The Drying after the Dying
Now God was playing Grand Theft Auto when he suddenly remembered that he’d left the water running. He stuck his arse out of the window of Heaven and passed wind upon the Earth causing the water to recede. 2 Then God turned off the sprinklers and closed the windows of Heaven. 3 With that, the water started to drain from the Earth.
By the end of 150 days, 4 on the 17th day of Ethanim, the water level was low enough that the ark came to rest on Mount Ararat, 5 but it would still take several months for the forty-day flood to withdraw completely from the Earth.
6 Now it came to pass, at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark that he had made. 7 Then he sent out an aardvark, which sank into the water like a stone and drowned.
‘Hmm,’ he thought to himself, ‘maybe I should try one of the birds.’
8 So Noah took a dove and sent it out, giving it strict instructions to return with a sign that the land was dry. 9 But, because the flood still had an additional 110 days to go, the dove came back empty-beaked. 10 He waited another week and sent out the dove again. 11 This time, the dove returned with an olive leaf. Miraculously, in the flood that would have uprooted trees and buried everything in layers of silt and mud, an olive tree had survived! 12 Despite this, Noah decided to wait yet another week, and he sent out the dove again. This time, the dove, who was getting tired of doing Noah’s dirty work, buggered off and was never seen or heard from again, which was a shame, because his mate was still on the ark.
13 On Noah’s 601st birthday, the water had all dried up, so he decided to celebrate by blowing the roof off the ark with dynamite. 14 But, even though the ground was dry, Noah waited a further three months to make sure that the ground was absolutely dry.
15 By this point, God was getting impatient, so he said to Noah, 16 ‘Come out of the ark, you idiot! 17 And bring your family and all of the animals too. They’ve got a lot of breeding to do to repopulate the Earth, and I’m going to watch every minute of it!’
18 So Noah and his family finally came out of the ark, 19 followed by all of the animals.
20 Then Noah built an altar to the Lord and set about slaughtering two of each of the clean animals. There were so many, it took him nearly a month, and by the end, the mountain was awash with blood.
Then Noah made a massive heap of dead animals that reached almost to the Heavens, dowsed it in kerosene, and tossed on a match. There was a blinding flash as a pillar of flames engulfed the heap. Noah’s face was blackened, and his beard and eyebrows were singed.
21 The Lord smelled the sweet aroma and said in his heart, ‘Damn, I love me some barbecue!’
22 Then he recited this poem:
‘Until the Earth has reached its end,
Seeds will be sown, and harvests reaped.
There also will be seasons throughout the year,
Some with cold and others with heat.
There will be daytime, when it is light,
And also, a dark time, which I like to call “night”.’
Admittedly, the Lord wasn’t the world’s best poet, but it seemed like quite a fitting way to begin the barbecue.