Après Nous, le Déluge
Then the Lord said to Noah, ‘Remember when I told you to take one pair of every animal?’
Noah replied, ‘Yeah?’
2 ‘Well, strike that. Take seven pairs, male and female, of every kind of clean animal.’
3 ‘Oh, come on!’ cried Noah. ‘It took me months to collect them all!’
4 The Lord continued, ‘Well, you’ve got a week before I send the rain to flood the world and kill everything. The flood will last forty days and forty nights.’
‘Which animals are clean, and which are unclean?’ enquired Noah.
‘Read Leviticus!’ commanded the Lord.
‘But it hasn't been written yet!’ protested Noah.
5 So reluctantly, Noah did all that the Lord commanded.
6 Noah was 600 years old when the flood came. 7 And Noah and his family entered the ark with 8 two of each clean and unclean animal, 9 a male and a female, despite the Lord’s updated orders. 10 They spent a whole week aboard the ark even before the water came, because the prospect of being cooped up with loads of smelly animals in a boat with one tiny window was just too much to resist.
11 In the 600th year of Noah’s life (for Noah was still 600 years old), God turned on his garden sprinklers to flood the world.
Now it’s a little-known fact that God is a squid, and he can’t survive out of water, so he lives in a giant fish tank, with windows in the bottom for some reason. When God saw that the world wasn’t flooding quickly enough, he opened the windows of Heaven to let some of the water out of his tank, and although it was already raining, it started raining again.
‘That should drown the bastards!’ God said to himself.
12 And the rain fell on the earth for forty days and forty nights.
13 On the very same day that it started raining, Noah and his family entered the ark, which was a clever trick considering that they had already entered it the previous week. 14 And they brought the animals into the ark again, 15 two of every kind, regardless of whether they were clean or unclean, 16 a male and a female. Once everyone was inside, the Lord took a giant hammer and nails, and he nailed the door of the ark shut to stop them from escaping.
17 So for forty days, the floodwaters were on the Earth, and the floodwaters lifted the ark 18 and it floated on the surface much like a boat would. 19 The water rose until even the tallest mountains were covered, 20 and then it rose some more so that the surface was 22 feet higher than the mountains.
21 As the floodwaters grew, there was chaos. People ran screaming with terror as they struggled to get to higher ground. The rainwater turned the sides of the hills into sludge, which flowed into the lowlands cutting off many escape routes. 22 The rivers burst their banks, and torrents of water swept across the land washing people, animals, trees, and buildings along with them. Those caught up in the surge were buffeted against rocks and debris, whilst others were completely overwhelmed by waves and died inhaling water.
23 As every living thing on the Earth perished, both humans and animals, from newborn babies to the elderly, God smiled down from Heaven and saw that it was good, because they were all wicked sinners who deserved the most horrific type of death imaginable.
Only Noah and those with him in the ark were left alive, because it hadn’t occurred to anyone else to get into a boat.
24 And the forty-day flood lasted for 150 days, just as God had promised.