MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Deuteronomy

Curses!

Deuteronomy 28:15-68

Dear Israelites,

I’m growing concerned that some of you aren’t obeying my commandments and decrees, so I’d like to warn you about the curses I will inflict upon you if you continue. These curses will apply whether you’re in the country or the city, so don’t think you can escape my wrath by skipping town!

For starters, I’ll curse your basket and your kneading trough. You try collecting fruit in a cursed basket and kneading your bread in a cursed trough! Yeah, see how you like that!

I’ll curse any babies you give birth to and your animals. I’m not going to specify exactly how, but let’s just say that nobody looks good with oozing sores.

Every time you walk through your front door, I’ll make it so that it smacks you on the arse. You might find this amusing at first, but I guarantee, it’s going to smart after a while. No matter what you do in life, it’ll turn to shit. If you pick up a cup, it’ll break. If you try to bake a cake, it won’t rise. If you try to sleep with your wife, your cock will be all limp and lifeless.

Also, I’m going to give you some kind of horrible disease that will leave you all hot, bloated, and itchy. I want to completely cover your legs with painful incurable boils. You’ll have sores on your legs from the soles of your feet to the very top of your head, that’s how severe they’ll be. You’ll be riddled with tumours, madness, confusion, blindness, and the dreaded itch that cannot be cured!

And that hot girl you’re engaged to, she’ll be raped. Then you’ll be kicked out of your house and your donkey will go inexplicably missing. You won’t be able to grow crops because locusts and worms will eat them. Your kids are going to be kidnapped, and you’ll be forced to watch them disappear into the distance until you have to strain your eyes to see them. Then I’ll get some random guys to break into your garden and eat your vegetables. Plus, a foreigner will come and take your job.

After this, you’ll be compelled to carve little wooden figurines and bow down and worship them, and people will make fun of you for it.

I’ll make the sky into bronze and the ground into iron. I’m not quite sure why, I just do weird things when I’m angry.

Not only will I punish you, but I’ll punish all of the innocent people around you. None of you fuckers are getting rain, instead, evil powder will fall from the sky and destroy you all. Then a nation from the ends of the Earth will invade you, destroy your cities, eat all of your crops and animals, and leave your corpses for the vultures. And I’ll banish your king to some strange land where you’ll never be able to find him.

You’ll be so hungry that you’ll eat your own children. As soon as your wife gives birth, you’ll eat the baby and the afterbirth too. What’s more, when you’ve eaten all of your children, nobody will be willing to share theirs with you, because they’ll be plotting to eat them themselves. And any of your children who do survive will be cursed too.

By the end of this, you’ll live in constant fear and dread, and you’ll become so desperate that you’ll want to sell yourself as a slave, but nobody will want to buy you, because you’ll be covered in those icky pustules.

Lots of love,

God.

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