Child Sacrifice: It’s Okay When God Tells You to Do It
Some time later, God appeared to Abraham. ‘Abraham!’ he yelled.
And Abraham replied, ‘Ahhh!!!’
2 God continued, ‘Take your son Isaac, the only one of your sons who you love, and sacrifice him as a burnt offering on Mount Moriah.’
Abraham, being the righteous man he was, didn’t have to give it a second thought.
‘Okey dokey,’ he replied.
3 So the very next morning, Abraham saddled his donkey, chopped up some wood for the sacrificial fire, and he, Isaac and a couple of his slaves set off for Mount Moriah.
4 After three days, they arrived at the mountain. 5 Abraham turned to his servants and said, ‘Stay here. I need to be alone with my son.’ Then he laughed maniacally.
6 So Abraham gave Isaac the wood to carry, and they started off up the mountain.
7 Isaac turned to his father, and said, ‘Dad, shouldn’t we have a goat or something to sacrifice?’
8 Abraham replied, ‘Don’t worry, son, we have everything we need.’
Isaac was perplexed, but he said nothing and kept walking.
9 When they reached the top of the mountain, Abraham built an altar, and he placed the wood around the base. Then he tied Isaac up, and laid him on the altar.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ cried Isaac.
‘I’m preparing the sacrifice, son,’ replied Abraham.
‘But… Dad…’ whimpered Isaac, tears welling in his eyes.
10 Abraham took his knife in his hand and raised it above his head.
‘Please, Dad. I’m your son!’ begged Isaac.
11 But Abraham paid no attention. Just then, an angel appeared from Heaven calling ‘Abraham, Abraham!’
Abraham nearly shit himself.
12 The angel continued, ‘God has changed his mind. You don’t have to kill your son!’
Abraham replied, ‘Really? It’s fine, really. I don’t mind at all.’
The angel replied, ‘No, seriously. God is pleased that you’re willing to murder your child for him, but he’s decided against it.’
‘Aww man!’ whined Abraham. ‘But I was all geared up to do some killing.’
13 So the angel waved his magic wand, and suddenly, a goat appeared next to Abraham. 14 And Abraham threw Isaac off the altar, took the goat, and sliced it open on the altar giggling with glee. Then he set the whole thing on fire and danced around chanting.
And Abraham named the place ‘The Mountain Where I Nearly Killed My Son’.
While all this was going on, Isaac lay trembling in silence. He couldn’t believe what had just happened.
Abraham untied his son, and they both set off down the mountain. 15 As they were walking, the Lord appeared in front of them, and said, ‘Hey! How come Isaac is still alive?’
Abraham replied, ‘Your angel told me that you’d changed your mind.’
16 ‘What?’ yelled the Lord. ‘Which one was it?’
‘I dunno,’ replied Abraham. ‘He didn’t give his name.’
17 ‘Jesus Christ!’ sighed the Lord. ‘You just can’t get good help these days. 18 Well, since you were willing to sacrifice Isaac for me, and you thought the angel was speaking for me, I suppose I’ll give you a blessing anyway.’
19 So Abraham and the servants returned to Beersheba, and Isaac never spoke to his father again.