Cain and Abel: or Dude, Where's Your Brother?
And Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, and declared, ‘I have gotten a man from my vagina!’
2 And Adam knew Eve again, and she bore Abel, and said, ‘Oh shit, another one!’
Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. 3 In the course of time, Cain brought some vegetables as an offering to the Lord, 4 but Abel slaughtered some baby animals. The Lord found Abel’s pile of dead baby animals absolutely hilarious, and he gave Abel a gold star, 5 but when he saw Cain’s offering, he picked up a stalk of broccoli and began to weep uncontrollably, ‘What have you done? Listen! That broccoli’s blood cries out to me from the ground!’
So, Cain got angry, tore off his own face, and threw it to the floor.
6 Then the Lord said to Cain, ‘What are you pissed off about, and why did you downcast your face? 7 If only you had gone and massacred some animals for me, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. But since you’re nothing but a depraved broccoli killer, you can just go to Hell!’
8 Now Cain said to his brother Abel, ‘Let’s go out to the field.’
‘Why?’ replied Abel.
‘I want to show you something.’
‘You’ll find it interesting.’
After half an hour of this, Cain picked up a rock and beat Abel to death.
9 Then the Lord appeared to Cain, ‘Where is your brother Abel?’
‘I don’t know,’ he replied whilst nudging Abel’s corpse into a bush with his foot. ‘He was here a minute ago…'
10 Just then, the Lord heard Abel’s blood whispering, and he wailed, ‘What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground.’
‘What’s it saying?’ replied Cain.
The Lord replied, ‘It says “why?”’
11 The Lord continued, ‘Now you’re cursed! 12 The land will no longer grow crops for you, and you’ll have to wander the Earth for the rest of your days!’
13 ‘Aww, man,’ replied Cain, looking sullen. 14 ‘My parents are going to kill me…’
15 But the Lord said to him, ‘No, they won’t. I’ll make you so hideously disfigured that they won’t even recognise you.’
So, the Lord picked up a hot branding iron and he burned a huge ‘L’ on Cain’s face. Then he said, ‘And if anyone kills you, I’ll pay them back seven times over!’
Cain replied, ‘What’s seven times worse than death?’
‘I’ll send them to live in Alabama!’
16 So Cain left the Lord and went off to live in the land of Nod, where he settled down to have a family instead of wandering the Earth for the rest of his days.
17 And Cain knew his wife, who must have been one of his sisters, and she conceived and bore Enoch. 18 To Enoch, who must have ‘known’ one of his sisters, was born Irad; and Irad begot Mehujael, and Mehujael begot Methushael. And after centuries of incestuous begetting, we finally get to Lamech, who was so inbred, he looked like an over-chewed piece of chewing gum that had been clumsily moulded into the shape of a human.
19 Lamech had two wives called Adah and Zillah, both of whom were just as monstrously deformed as he was. 20 Adah had two sons named Joe-Bob 21 and Jim-Bob, 22 and Zillah had a son named Turducken and a daughter named Brandine.
Of course, this is all irrelevant, because all of Cain’s descendants would soon be wiped out by a global flood. Shit, sorry. Spoiler alert.
23 Lamech said to his wives,
‘Now Adah and Zillah, please hear what I say.
I got into trouble just the other day.
Some young punk tripped me and injured my head,
So I strangled the bastard, and now he is dead.
If Cain’s vengeance is sevenfold for his crimes,
Then mine will be seven and seventy times!’
25 Rewind several centuries earlier and Adam knew his wife yet again; and she bore a son, and she called him Seth saying, ‘Why do people keep falling out of me?’
26 Seth had a son called Nosh, for he was a glutton. And at that time, people started to call the Lord names.