Cain and Abel: or Dude, Where's Your Brother?
Adam knew Eve his wife, which is a biblical euphemism for making the beast with two backs, and she conceived and bore Cain. As soon as she saw her son, she declared, ‘I’ve got a man from my vagina!’
2 Then Adam knew Eve again, and she bore Abel. ‘Oh shit, another one!’ she exclaimed.
3 Now Abel took a job as a shepherd, and Cain as a vegetable farmer. 4 One day, the brothers decided to make offerings to the Lord, so Cain offered some of his harvest, but Abel slaughtered some baby animals.
5 The Lord found Abel’s pile of dead baby animals absolutely hilarious, and he gave him a gold star, but when he saw Cain’s offering, he picked up a stalk of broccoli and began to weep uncontrollably. ‘What have you done? Listen! That broccoli’s blood cries out to me from the ground!’
So, Cain got angry, tore off his own face, and threw it to the floor.
6 Then the Lord said to Cain, ‘What are you pissed off about, and why did you downcast your face? 7 If only you had gone and massacred some animals for me, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. But since you’re nothing but a depraved broccoli killer, you can just go to Hell!’
Cain stormed off in a huff.
8 Later that day, Cain said to his brother Abel, ‘Let’s go out to the field.’
‘Why?’ replied Abel.
‘I want to show you something.’
‘You’ll find it interesting.’
After half an hour of this, Cain picked up a nearby rock and bludgeoned Abel to death.
9 Then the Lord appeared to Cain, ‘Where is your brother Abel?’
‘I don’t know,’ he replied, nudging Abel’s corpse into a bush with his foot. ‘He was here a minute ago…'
10 Just then, the Lord heard Abel’s blood whispering. He cocked his head to the side to listen. ‘Wait,’ he said, ‘I think I’m getting a message. There’s some blood around here, and it’s talking to me.’
‘What’s it saying?’ replied Cain.
11 The Lord answered, ‘It says “why?”’ Then he turned to Cain. ‘Me damn it! You killed your brother!’
‘I didn’t mean to!’ protested Cain.
12 ‘Now you’re cursed! The land will no longer grow crops for you, and you’ll have to wander the Earth for the rest of your days!’
13 ‘Aww, man,’ moaned Cain, looking sullen. 14 ‘My parents are going to kill me…’
15 ‘No, they won’t,’ reassured the Lord. ‘I’ll make you so hideously disfigured that they won’t even recognise you.’ And he picked up a hot branding iron and he burned a huge ‘L’ onto Cain’s face.
‘Ow! Jesus!’ whined Cain.
The Lord ignored him and said, ‘And if anyone kills you, I’ll pay them back seven times over!’
‘What’s seven times worse than death?’ asked Cain, nursing his wound.
‘I’ll send them to live in Alabama!’
16 So, Cain left the Lord and went off to live in the land of Nod, where he settled down to have a family instead of wandering the Earth for the rest of his days.
17 And Cain knew his wife, who must have been one of his sisters, and she conceived and bore Enoch. 18 To Enoch, who must have ‘known’ one of his sisters, was born Irad; and Irad begot Mehujael, and Mehujael begot Methushael. And after centuries of incestuous begetting, we finally get to Lamech, who was so inbred, he looked like an over-chewed piece of chewing gum that had been clumsily moulded into the shape of a human.
19 Lamech had two wives called Adah and Zillah, both of whom were just as monstrously deformed as he was. 20 Adah had two sons named Joe-Bob 21 and Jim-Bob, 22 and Zillah had a son named Turducken and a daughter named Brandine.
Of course, this is all irrelevant, because all of Cain’s descendants would soon be wiped out by a global flood. Shit, sorry. Spoiler alert.
23 Lamech said to his wives,
‘Now Adah and Zillah, please hear what I say.
I got into trouble just the other day.
Some young punk tripped me and injured my head,
So I strangled the bastard, and now he is dead.
If Cain’s vengeance is sevenfold for his crimes,
Then mine will be seven and seventy times!’
25 Rewind several centuries earlier, and Adam knew his wife yet again; and she bore a son, and she called him Seth. ‘Why the fuck do people keep falling out of me?’ she gasped.
26 Seth had a son called Nosh, for he was a glutton. And it was around this time that people started to call the Lord names.