MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Exodus > The Mountain

Blew Moon

Exodus 33

7 It was around this time that Moses had taken to living outside the camp in a tent he called ‘the tent of fuck off and leave me alone!’ Despite this, people would queue up outside to have their problems solved. 8 Whenever Moses left the camp, all of the Israelites would watch him, like a dog longing after its owner.

9 As Moses entered his tent, the pillar of cloud would come down and sit at the entrance so that the Lord could talk to Moses face-to-face. Moses and God were getting to be bosom buddies. 10 All of the Israelites would run to the doors of their tents to watch the cloud, and then roll on the floor crying, ‘oh God, oh God, oh God!’ 11 But Joshua son of Nun, Moses’s young friend, refused to leave Moses’s tent.

12 Moses said to the Lord, ‘You keep on telling me to lead these people, but with all these commandments that carry the death penalty, I’m not sure how many will be left by the time I get to Canaan! 13 You’re going to have to help me keep order. I feel so alone!’

14 ‘Don’t worry, little buddy,’ replied the Lord. ‘I’m here for you.’

15 ‘Without you, I can’t go on,’ wept Moses. 16 ‘Don’t you realise how much I need you?’

17 ‘Hey, calm down. It’s okay.’

18 ‘I’m just going to come out and say it. I need to see you in all your glory!’

‘What, like naked?’ exclaimed God.

‘Show it to me! I need it now!’ begged Moses.

19 ‘Holy shit!’ yelled the Lord, feeling kind of weird. Then he thought for a moment and said, 20 ‘I suppose I could dangle it in front of you… But I don’t want you to see my face when I do it, it’s too embarrassing. 21 Look, there’s a place near here where you can stand in the crevice of a rock, 22 but you have to cover your eyes until I’m ready, okay?’

Moses agreed, so God placed him in the cleft of the rock, and Moses covered his eyes.

‘No peeking,’ said God.

Moses nodded his head.

After a while, God called, ‘I’m ready!’

23 Moses uncovered his eyes, and there before him was God’s ginormous arse. He was just about to speak when God farted right in his face, blowing him off the rock.

‘That’ll teach you, you sick weirdo!’ laughed God.

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