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MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Judges > Samson

The Birth of a Nazirite

Judges 13

2 There once was a Danite man named Manoah who lived in Zorah with his wife. Now his wife, surprise surprise, was unable to conceive, but one day, an angel appeared to her with a message.

3 ‘You are barren and childless,’ said the angel.

‘Yeah, thanks for reminding me,’ snorted Manoah’s wife. ‘Are you also going to make fun of my pimply arse?’

‘No,’ replied the angel, ‘I’m here to tell you that you will have a son.’

‘Oh,’ she gasped. ‘But I’m a virgin.’

‘What, really?’ exclaimed the angel.

‘Nah, just fucking with you,’ she laughed. ‘I just thought that the idea of a pregnant virgin would be funny as hell!’

‘Are you drunk?’

‘Maybe a little…’

4 ‘Well, you’re going to have to lay off the booze when you’re pregnant. Your son is going to be a Nazirite.’

‘Look, I know me and my husband are cousins, but…’

‘No,’ interrupted the angel, ‘it means he’ll be special.’

‘Yeah, that’s what I was getting at!’

5 ‘Not special like that. He’ll be dedicated to God. He’s going to save Israel from the Philistines.’

6 When the angel had left, Manoah’s wife ran to her husband and told him, ‘A man just made me pregnant! It was awesome!’

Manoah crumpled his newspaper in anger and yelled, ‘Who was it? I’ll kill the bastard!’

7 ‘I didn’t ask him his name.’

‘For fuck’s sake!’ barked Manoah. ‘This is why I hate you drinking! I’m going into my cupboard to pray!’

8 So, Manoah locked himself in his cupboard and he prayed to God, ‘Please Lord, tell me that my wife hasn’t been sleeping around.’

9 God heard Manaoh’s prayer, so he sent the angel to his wife again, who was now passed out on the lawn. She awoke with a start and saw the angel staring down at her. 10 She jumped to her feet and went running to her husband.

‘He’s here!’ she cried, pointing outside.

11 ‘Right!’ snapped Manoah, rushing out of his cupboard.

Outside, the angel watched in bemusement as Manoah came tearing out into the garden.

‘Are you the guy who banged my wife?’ roared Manoah.

‘No,’ replied the angel, ‘I’m an angel.’

‘Don’t you bloody play innocent with me!’ he berated, wagging his finger in the angel’s face.

‘I’m not playing innocent. I’m an angel of the Lord, and I came to tell you that she’s going to give birth to a son.’

12 Manoah turned to his wife and shook his head. ‘You dopey cow,’ he moaned. Then he turned back to the angel. ‘I’m sorry, my wife didn’t explain your message very well.’

13 ‘It’s okay,’ replied the angel. ‘Let me repeat my message for your benefit. Your son will be a Nazirite, which means he’ll be dedicated to God. 14 Also, if I were you, I’d get your wife to lay off the sauce.’

15 ‘Yeah, I wish I could,’ sighed Manoah. ‘Would you like a goat or something while you’re here?’

16 ‘Erm… That’s fine thanks. I wasn’t created with a digestive tract.’

17 ‘Okay, but could you at least tell me your name?’

18 ‘My name is Wonderful.’

19 Then Manoah took a young goat and smashed its head in with a rock.

The angel looked on in astonishment, and said, ‘Why did you do that?’

‘Oh, I’m hungry,’ replied Manoah, lighting his barbecue. ‘Just because you don’t want any goat, it doesn’t mean I can’t have some.’

20 As the fire of the barbecue blazed towards Heaven, 21 the angel floated up in its flame. Manoah and his wife threw themselves face down on the ground.

22 ‘Holy shit!’ wailed his wife. ‘He’s on fire!’

23 ‘No, you drunken fool!’ spat Manoah. ‘He’s an angel, and he’s going back to Heaven.’

‘Aww, that’s nice,’ chuckled his wife.

24 Nine months later, she gave birth to a baby boy. Unfortunately, she dropped him on his head, taking a divot out of his skull. ‘Shit!’ she cried.

‘Don’t worry,’ reassured her husband. ‘We’ll just make sure he never cuts his hair. Nobody will notice.’

25 And they called him Samson, and he was filled with the Holy Spirit.

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