Build Yourself an Arky Arky
5 The Lord saw how numerous the human race had become on the Earth. 6 He’d only planned on having a few, but these humans just kept breeding until the Earth was infested with them. 7 So the Lord said, ‘Screw it, I’m getting the hose.’
8 Now Noah was a crotchety 600-year-old git who lived with his three sons: 9 Shem, Ham, and Japheth. 10 Though he was the town drunk and hardly righteous nor blameless, God really enjoyed his drunken escapades and his epic barbecues, so Noah found favour in the eyes of the Lord.
11 Now the earth was corrupt in God’s sight. 12 God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways. And God thought the corruption of the corrupt people on the corrupt earth was pretty damned corrupt.
13 So God said to Noah, ‘I want you to build yourself an ark.’
Noah replied, ‘What the hell’s an ark?’
‘It’s a big boat.’
‘What would I want with a boat? I’m nowhere near the sea.’
‘Oh, I forgot to tell you,’ replied God, ‘I’m sending a huge flood to kill everyone! 14 So make yourself an ark of Engelmann spruce frame, clad in pine, and coat it with acetic anhydride. 15 This is how you are to build it: the ark is to be 510 feet long, 85 feet wide and 51 feet high. 16 Use steel plates to join the wood, and place stairwells, lifts, and toilets on one side. And be sure to put a little gift shop in the stern.’
Noah replied, ‘There’s no way that will float!’
17 ‘Are you calling Ken Ham a liar?’ bellowed God. Then he continued, 18 ‘Take your sons, and your wife and your sons’ wives, 19 and two of every animal, male and female, 20 including birds, mammals, and those little ones that creep along the ground.’
‘Insects?’ interjected Noah.
‘No, no incest on the ark. You know how that turned out for Lamech!’
21 God continued, ‘Oh, and take food for yourself and the animals.’
Noah replied, ‘What about water?’
‘Hello?’ screeched God, ‘What the hell do you think you’ll be floating on?’
22 So Noah did everything exactly as God commanded him, because he knew that God would get pissy if he didn’t.