For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Genesis > Adam and Eve

And so, It Begins...

Genesis 1

In the beginning, God was living in his mother’s basement. His mother had died many years earlier, and he was starting to get lonely, so he decided to make himself a planet full of beings that would worship him.

2 He took a big bowl, put some sand in the bottom, and he topped it up with water. And he bent down to inspect the water, and behold, it was deep.

3 And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ but, as there was no one around to hear him, nothing happened. So, God flicked on the light switch. 4 He saw that the light was a little on the dim side, for he was only using a 50-watt bulb, so he replaced it with a 100-watt bulb. And he saw that it was good.

5 Then God set a timer on the bulb so that there would be periods of light and darkness. When God had created this first 24-hour period, he decided to call it a day.

6 And God said, ‘Let there be a solid dome over the Earth,’ but again, as there was no one to hear him, he had to do it himself. 7 And God called the solid dome ‘firmament’, for it was firm, 8 but then he changed his mind and called it Heaven, which was confusing as he’d already called the place about the firmament Heaven.

And the timer turned the light off and on again - a second day.

9 And God said, ‘Shit, where are the creepething animals going to creepeth?’ 10 So, he pulled up some of the seabed to make dry ground and he called it ‘land’, for it was land. And he called the water ‘sea’, for it was not land. And God saw that it was land.

11 And God saw that the land was kind of boring, so he experimented with different types of green things, some short and some tall. 12 And he called the short green things ‘plants’ and he called the tall green things ‘trees’.

13 The bulb turned off and back on - a third day.

14 And God realised that the light he had made wasn’t reaching the Earth, because that stupid firmament he’d built was in the way. And God saw that this was bad, so he said, ‘I think some fairy lights dotted across the underside of the dome will do the trick.’ 15 So, he scattered fairy lights across the underside of the firmament.

After a few hours of randomly dotting fairy lights around, God was starting to get bored, so he decided to fuck around a bit and draw shapes like animals and weighing scales.

When he had finished dotting lights around, he saw that it was… ‘Shit!’ he thought. ‘The fairy lights don’t provide enough light on the Earth!’

16 So, God took a light bulb and suspended it from a string and hung it in the firmament, and he called it the Sun. And saw that it was… ‘Shit!’ he thought. ‘The bulb is providing light constantly, and I wanted there to be day and night!’

17 So, God got some of the track from his trainset, and stapled it along the underside of the firmament from one side to the other. Then he made little tunnels on either side of the firmament and continued the track along the top of the dome so that it formed a loop. He tied the bulb to one of his toy trains and set the train on the track.

Now the sun would spend half of the day casting light onto the Earth, and the other half completing its circuit. And he saw that it was… ‘Shit!’ he thought. ‘What if the beings I plan to create get scared when it’s night? Maybe I should make them a nightlight.’

So, God repeated the process with a dimmer light, and he called it the Moon. 18 And God saw that it was overly convoluted but workable.

19 Lights off, lights on - a fourth day.

20 And God remembered the packet of Sea-Monkeys that he’d bought for a science fair project, so he ran and got them out of his cupboard. 21 He dropped the Sea-Monkey eggs into the water, and they magically sprang to life. 22 And God saw that it was kind of cool, so he blessed them and said, ‘Fill the seas, little brine shrimp.’

23 By this point, God had been at it for five days straight, so he went off to get some coffee.

24 And God said, ‘Hmm, how can I create creatures to fill the land?’ He got out his chemistry set, and he set about genetically modifying some Sea-Monkeys.

25 After many hours of work, he placed his genetically modified creatures back into the sea, and pretty soon, some of them crawled out of the sea to populate the land. God was really pleased with this.

26 But God saw that none of the creatures he’d created were capable of worshipping and grovelling before him as he’d hoped. He had to think of some way to speed up the process. He glanced over at his coffee cup, and he had an idea. He poured the dregs of the coffee onto the animals, hoping to make them breed quicker.

27 After several more hours, a creature called human evolved.

So, God created mankind in his own image,

In the image of God, he created them.

He was God and they were mankind, and his own image was the thing in which they were created.

So, to sum up, God created mankind in his own image.

28 God blessed them and said, ‘Hi, little humans. I’m your daddy.’

And the humans cowered before him, and he saw that it was good.

29 Then God told the humans, ‘I give you every plant on the face of the whole earth and every fruit tree as food. 30 Some of them are poisonous, but I’m not telling you which ones!’ Then he laughed manically.

31 God saw all that he had made, and he was pleased with himself. And the bulb switched off and back on - the sixth day.

Genesis 2

Thus, the Heavens and the Earth were completed. 2 And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had done, and he said, 3 ‘Now let’s rest, because tomorrow, we’re going to create the universe all over again in a slightly different order.’

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