Abram and Lot’s Bogus Journey
27 Terah had three sons: Abram, Nahor, and Haran. 28 Haran had three children: a son called Lot, and two daughters called Milcah and Iscah, and then he died. 29 Abram married a woman named Sarai, who may or may not have been his sister, and Nahor married his niece Milcah; talk about creepy uncle.
30 Abram and Sarai didn’t have any children, and obviously it was Sarai’s fault, because this is the Bible and it’s always the woman’s fault.
31 So anyway, Terah, Abram, Sarai, and Lot decided to leave Ur of Chaldeans and go to Canaan, but, because there’s another version of this story that says they came from Haran, they decided to go there first, even though it was miles out of their way.
32 When they arrived, Terah, who was 205, suddenly realised that God had put maximum age on humans of 120, so he died.
One night, the Lord woke Abram up shaking him and screaming into his face, ‘Get out of the house!’
‘What about my family?’ replied Abram.
‘No time!’ yelled the Lord. ‘Leave your family. Leave your country. Go to Canaan!’
Then he tossed him out of the door saying:
‘I will make you a great nation,
And I will bless your name.
To all of those who treat you right,
I will do the same.
But if anyone should curse you,
I will kick their ass,
Because of all the people in the world,
You walk a righteous path.’
4 So Abram, who was 75 at this point, left Haran, and he took Sarai and his nephew Lot, even though the Lord told him to leave his family. 5 He also took all of his possessions and slaves, who were basically walking possessions, and he went to Canaan.
6 At that time, the land of Canaan was populated by Canaanites, who were so called because they populated Canaan... oops, sorry, I mean, because they descended from Canaan, the son of Ham. And Abram travelled to the great tree of Moreh in Shechem.
7 The Lord appeared to him and said, ‘I will give this land to your children.’
8 Abram was so pleased, he built the Lord an altar, which was the traditional way to celebrate in those days. Then he went to the hills between Bethel and Ai, and he built another altar, and called for the Lord to come and look, but the Lord didn’t come, 9 so he decided to continue southwards.