Abimelech's Rude Awakening
Abraham decided to move from Hebron to Gerar, a town in the Negev between Kadesh and Shur. 2 He remembered how well things had worked out for him in Egypt when he claimed that Sarah was his sister and Pharaoh bought her from him. So, he decided to pull the same trick again. Unfortunately for him, King Abimelech kidnapped Sarah before he had a chance to sell her.
3 That night, God waited until Abimelech had fallen asleep, and he appeared as a ghostly spectre floating above his bed.
‘Abimelech!’ wailed God. ‘I’m going to kill you!’
Abimelech woke up screaming, ‘I didn’t fuck her!’
God replied, ‘I know, but you kidnapped her, and she’s Abraham’s wife not yours!’
Abimelech was bemused. ‘Anabel the cow is married to Abraham?’
‘No, Sarah!’ bellowed God. Then he added, ‘Wait a minute, what’s that about Anabel the cow?’
‘Er, um, nothing,’ spluttered Abimelech. ‘What’s this about Sarah?’
‘Sarah is Abraham’s wife! Give her back!’
4 ‘Wait… he said she was his sister. 5 There’s nothing wrong with kidnapping a woman if she’s unmarried.’
6 ‘Yes, I know, you did this with integrity of your heart’
‘Then why the hell did you come into my bedroom like a fucking ghost scaring the shit out of me?’ spat Abimelech.
7 ‘Well… I didn’t want you to sin,’ replied God awkwardly. ‘Just give her back to him, okay?’
The next morning, Abimelech gathered his servants and said, ‘You wouldn’t believe the crazy dream I had last night!’
God appeared suddenly and yelled, ‘It wasn’t a dream!’ and then disappeared again. Everybody shit themselves.
So, Abimelech sent for Abraham.
9 ‘You lying bastard!’ bawled Abimelech. 10 ‘You told everyone that Sarah was your sister, and then got your god to come and threaten to kill me!’
11 Abraham replied, ‘Yeah, but you godless heathens would have killed me for her.’
12 ‘No, I wouldn’t, you racist prick!’ snapped Abimelech. Then he thought for a moment. ‘Hey, are the guy who duped Pharaoh out of some sheep, cattle, donkeys, slaves, and camels?’
13 Abraham shuffled awkwardly. Then he said, ‘Anyway, she actually is my sister; we have the same dad.’
Abimelech shuffled awkwardly.
The silence was palpable.
Then Abraham turned his head, put on his best God voice, and said, ‘Give him riches in compensation.’
14 Abimelech trembled and said, ‘Hey, I’ll have my servants bring you sheep, cattle, and slaves.’
15 ‘Fair dos,’ nodded Abraham.
16 So Abimelech gave Abraham everything he promised, and he returned Sarah to him. As Sarah was leaving, he slipped her a thousand shekels of silver saying, ‘This is for all the sex we had. Shh. Don’t tell your husband.’
17 Then Abraham prayed to God to thank him for scaring the bejesus out of Abimelech. 18 And God opened the wombs of all the women in Gerar, and the streets were awash in menstrual blood.