MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12

Gospels

The Nativity

‘Word’ with a Capital B - The introduction to the New Testament with birds.

The Trouble with Priests and Boys - During the Feast of Bread Without Yeast, Mary and Joseph take Jesus to Jerusalem and accidentally leave him behind. Whoops.

Jesus's Ministry

John the Dunker - God calls a strange hermit called John to preach the word in Judea resulting in dunkings aplenty.

Temptation - Jesus wanders off into the wilderness where Satan comes to talk with him.

The Yeast of Their Worries - Bartholomew demands answers about Jesus's aversion to yeast.

Jesus's Hairy Parabolics

The 'Friendly' Samaritan - A lawyer heckles Jesus, so he decides to tell him one of his famous stories about a 'friendly' Samaritan.

Sowing Wild Oats - Jesus tells his followers a parable about a farmer who goes into the garden to choke the hose.

The Kingdom of Heaven - Jesus explains the kingdom of Heaven to the disciples with a series of parables.

Seek the Goatman - Jesus tells a parable and gives a vague wishy-washy explanation to his disciples. Nothing new there, then.

A Tale of Whores and Loan Sharks - Jesus visits the house of a Pharisee named Simon where he tells the tale of two guys indebted to a loan shark.

The Parable of the Severed Legs - A Pharisee poses Jesus a question, and he responds with this bizarre parable. What is the meaning of this?

Cruci-Fiction

Plots and Perfume - Jesus tells his disciples he's going to die, the priests plot against him, and some woman pours balm on his head.

The Passover of the Christ - With Jesus's impending death, he and the disciples decide to celebrate one last Passover Seder.

Tootsies - Knowing that the hour of his death is at hand, Jesus decides to do the one thing he can do: wash his disciples' feet!

Take This Cup - Jesus and the disciples head to Gethsemane where he begs for his life.

The Kiss of Death - Jesus is betrayed by Judas and arrested by a mob of priests.

Blasphemy! - Jesus is tried before the Sanhedrin and accused of blasphemy.

Judas is Well-hung - Wracked with guilt, Judas returns his ill-got money and decides to commit suicide.

Pilate's Court - Jesus is tried before Governor Pontius Pilate where the people are real, the cases are real, and the ruling is final!

Rode to Golgotha - Pilate announces that a prisoner will be released. Unfortunately, the people ask for a notorious child murdering granny rapist called Barabbas to be freed. Jesus is humiliated.

Jesus Gets Nailed! - Jesus is brought to Calvary to be crucified along with a couple of other criminals.

Nobody There - When the women go to anoint Jesus's body, they find the tomb empty, but this doesn't stop Jesus from making an appearance.

Sweet Zombie Jesus! - After Jesus's resurrection, he tracks down his disciples... with terrifying results!

E.T. the Extra-biblical Tale - In stark contradiction to 'Sweet Zombie Jesus!' here's Luke's take on the resurrection.

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