MisreadBible

How to Misread the Bible

5^th August 2025

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According to Bing Webmaster Tools, one of the most common search queries leading people to my site is ‘how to misread the Bible’. I feel bad that they might be arriving here under false pretences, so I’ve decided to be helpful and write this handy guide.

1. Jab yourself in the eye with something blunt but non-abrasive. A cotton bud will do. (The idea is to make your eyes blurry, not blind yourself.)
2. Turn your Bible upside-down. (Or right side up if you’re in Australia.)
3. Stay awake for 36 hours straight. Not only will this make reading more difficult, but you might also see little green men dancing at the end of your sofa.
4. Drink an entire pot of coffee. Not only will this increase your reading speed but could make you jitter.
5. Wear someone else’s glasses. Please ask permission first (though being punched in the eye for stealing someone’s glasses will also make the Bible harder to read).
6. Read whilst sprinting past the Bible. See also, ‘How to Read the Bible and Lose Weight’.
7. Translate the Bible into multiple languages and then back to English. This is best for digital versions of the Bible (doing it by hand would be tiresome, though it could be applied to step 3).
8. Smear your Bible in Vaseline (or generic petroleum jelly equivalent).
9. Start at the end and work backwards. Spoiler alert: everyone dies at the beginning!
10. Ask an apologist to interpret it for you. They’re experts at getting the Bible to say things it doesn’t.

With your newfound skills, you can now go into the world confident in the knowledge that you understand the Bible slightly better than most Christians.

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