MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12

The Yeast of Their Worries

Luke 12

A crowd of several thousand people gathered, and they were all trampling each other to get to Jesus. He turned to his disciples and said, ‘Beware of the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.’

‘Are you saying that they have thrush?’ they asked.

‘No!’ he bawled. ‘I just can’t stand the frigging stuff!’

‘What do you and your father have against yeast?’ asked Bartholomew.

2 ‘Let me explain it this way,’ sighed Jesus. ‘There is nothing hidden that won’t be discovered. 3 All those little secrets you tell in your darkened room will be shouted from the rooftops. For instance, Philip, I know that you secretly peek at women in dressing rooms. And Matthew, I know about the fight club you go to on Saturday nights. And Judas…’ he took a deep breath, ‘you’ve been trying on your wife’s clothes when she’s been out at bingo.’

Philip, Matthew, and Judas hung their heads in shame.

‘But what the hell has that got to do with yeast?’ cried Bartholomew.

4 ‘Well, let me tell you this, it’s not mortal men who you should be afraid of. 5 No, there is somebody who knows everything and sees everything, and he has the power to cast you into the fiery lake of Hell! 6 He’s been watching all of you for years, he’s watching you even now, 7 and he knows the very number of hairs on your head!’

‘Who is it?’ gasped the disciples.

8 ‘His name,’ he whispered, ‘is Santa Claus! 9 If you do as your told and listen to everything I say, Santa Claus will reward you. 10 But you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, or Santa Claus might come to your town! 11 So, when you’re brought into the synagogues by the priests and rulers, 12 just think of Santa, and he’ll tell you what to say.’

The disciples were in stunned silence.

‘But what about the freaking yeast!’ screamed Bartholomew.

Jesus looked him in the eye and said, ‘Okay, you want to know the point of my story?’

Bartholomew nodded.

‘As badly as Santa will punish you for your misdeeds, my father will punish you seven times worse if you keep on asking me about fucking yeast!’

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