‘Word’ with a Capital B
Since many people seem to be writing gospels nowadays, I thought I might give it a go; seems like fun. 2 I have investigated this matter thoroughly relying mostly on rumour, speculation, and some shit I just made up off the top of my head. 3 Though some of the other writers claim to be eyewitnesses to Jesus, I assure you, most excellent Theophilus, 4 I know better than they do, which is why I contradict them so frequently.
In the beginning, was the Word, and the Word was ‘Bird’, and everybody heard that the Bird was the Word. 2 Now, the Bird was with God in the beginning, and he aided him in creating the Heavens and the Earth. 3 In fact, without him, nothing would have been possible.
4 When God breathed life into all of mankind, he was, in fact, snowballing Bird semen, 5 for the Bird was the source of all life and the light that shines in the darkness. Incidentally, this is why the Holy Spirit is often depicted as a dove.
6 There once was a man called John, who came to bring people light; 7 he was a lamp salesman. 8 Please understand, he himself wasn’t a lamp, but he was a salesman who sold lamps.
9 Only the Bird was a lamp, or rather, a light. The true light that gives light to the whole world; kind of like the Sun. 10 In fact, you probably would go blind if you stared at him; kind of like the Sun. But the Bird isn’t the Sun. 11 Even his own people, presumably birdpeople, wouldn’t receive him. 12 But anyone who does receive him becomes a child, 13 not by natural means, but by weird magical means.
14 So, anyway, one day, the Bird became flesh, which is a euphemism for an incorporeal sex act resulting in a pregnant virgin.
15 Just ask John, who testified to the truth of this tale shortly before he was committed. ‘This is exactly what I told you was going to happen!’ he raved. 16 ‘Why the hell didn’t you listen to me? Please don’t put me in that padded room! 17 Jesus is a Bird, I tell you! 18 No one has ever seen his true form, but I’m telling you, he’s a fucking Bird!’