What a Pile of Stones!
22 Three days after Jacob absconded, Laban realised that the house was quieter than usual. He checked all around the house, in the fields, and he came to the conclusion that Jacob and his family were missing. Now, in those days, there was no police force, so Laban decided that he would have to track down his missing family members himself. 23 He also decided to take his whole family with him, for some reason.
24 Then God appeared to Laban in a dream and said to him, ‘Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad; he’s in one of his bitchy moods.’
25 Now, Jacob and his family were camping in the hills of Gilead, when Laban caught up with them.
26 Laban grabbed Jacob by the collar, and began shaking him, screaming, ‘You sneaky son of a bitch! 27 You ran off with my daughters without even telling me. If you’d just asked to leave, I would have let you go! I would have even thrown you a party.’
‘But I did ask you if I could leave, and you wouldn’t let me!’
28 ‘No, I offered you a deal, and you accepted it,’ replied Laban indignantly. ‘But you decided to do the dirty on me. I didn’t even get a chance to kiss my grandkids goodbye! 29 And what’s more, you stole my fucking Star Wars figurines! 30 If it weren’t for the fact that God told me not to, I’d wring your scrawny little neck!’
31 ‘No, I fucking didn’t!’ objected Jacob. ‘You know that I’m a Trekkie!’
32 ‘Well, if I find who took them, I’ll kill them, even if it happens to be one of my daughters!’
33 With that, Laban searched all of Jacob and his family’s tents. He couldn’t find the figurines in Jacob’s tent, or in Bilhah’s or Zilpah’s. They weren’t in Leah’s tent either, though he did find some bondage gear, a scuba mask, and a rubber chicken, which he sincerely hoped weren’t used together.
34 While Laban was searching the other tents, Rachel had taken the figurines and hidden them in the saddle of one of the camels, and she was sitting on it trying to act nonchalant. 35 When Laban came to search her tent, Rachel said to him, ‘Unfortunately, I can’t stand right now; I’m having my period.’
Laban shuddered and replied, ‘TMI! You know how backwards and squeamish I am about menstruating women! Hell, I used to make your mother sleep in the shed.’
36 When Laban had finished searching, Jacob was really pissed off, so he rebuked him saying, ‘What is my crime? How have I wronged you?’ 37 He began to sob, ‘I mean, I worked for you all those years to get into your daughter’s panties. That’s gotta count for something!’
Laban hung his head remorsefully. ‘I’m sorry, son,’ he said.
38 ‘I made you rich, man. I mean, I stayed with the sheep day and night. 39 I watched them when it was cold and raining. 40 In winter, I knitted them little sweaters and booties. 41 When the rams wouldn’t mate, I jerked them off by hand, and inseminated the ewes! What more could I have done?’
‘You jerked off my rams?’
42 ‘Yeah!’ snapped Jacob. ‘My fingers are all covered in calluses and sores after all the cotton buds I’ve toiled with my hands!’
43 ‘Okay, okay,’ sighed Laban. ‘Look, they’re still my family. 44 Can we just make a covenant and be friends?’
‘Let’s shake on it,’ said Jacob, sticking out his hand.
45 Laban cringed and replied, ‘Erm… I’d rather not. I know, let’s make a pile of stones!’
46 So, Jacob and his family took some stones and piled them in a heap. 47 Laban called the place Jegar Sahadutha, but Jacob thought that was too much of a mouthful, so he called it Gilead, which means, ‘God, I wish I hadn’t jerked off all those rams!’
48 As they were leaving, Jacob said to Laban, ‘How about a manly hug?’
‘Wait,’ replied Laban. ‘Come back this way. I want the heap to watch!’
49 So, the place was also called Mizpah, which means, ‘awkward stones’.
50 ‘Oh, one more thing,’ said Laban. ‘If you ever mistreat my daughters, I’ll smash your fucking face in! 51 You hear me? 52 So far in, that the God of Abraham, the God of Nahor, the God of their father won’t be able to retrieve it.’
53 So, Jacob swore to Laban, in the fear of having his fucking face smashed in, that he would never mistreat Rachel and Leah. 54 Then he sacrificed a lamb, and everyone ate in uncomfortable silence.
55 The next morning, they parted ways. Laban went back to Padan-aram (aka Hebron, aka Aram Naharaim), and Jacob continued on to Canaan, the land of his father.