MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12

A Tale of Whores and Loan Sharks

Luke 7

One day, a Pharisee named Simon invited Jesus to have dinner with him at his house. 37 Jesus was just getting settled at the table when a local prostitute came and poured chocolate syrup all over him.

Startled, he leapt out of his chair and yelled, ‘Holy fuck!’ Then he looked at the prostitute and asked, ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’

38 ‘I’m sorry, my lord,’ she sobbed. ‘I am but your lowly servant.’ And she began to lick the chocolate off him starting at his feet, taking each of his toes into her mouth and sucking them softly.

‘Oh my…’ sighed Jesus sitting back down. ‘Now this is my kind of place.’

39 When the Pharisee saw what was happening, he cried, ‘Jesus Christ! Don’t you know where that woman has been?’

‘No,’ replied Jesus, ‘but I think I have an idea where she’s heading…’

‘She’s a whore!’

‘Now, now, Simon. No need to name call.’

The woman stopped momentarily and said, ‘Well, actually, I am a whore.’

40 Jesus pushed her head back down and said, ‘Simon, I have a story to tell you.’

‘Erm… Are you sure this is the right time for this?’ groaned the Pharisee.

41 ‘There were these two men who each owed money to a loan shark. One owed 500 denarii, whilst the other owed 50. 42 Neither of these men had the money to pay him back.’

‘Uh huh,’ replied Simon, trying to avert his gaze.

‘Now, my question to you is, which of these deadbeats should he send his goons after to cripple?’

43 ‘Well, I suppose the one who owes him the most money.’

‘No,’ replied Jesus. ‘The guy who owes 50 gets crippled, but the guy who owes 500 gets whacked.’

The Pharisee was appalled.

44 Then Jesus pointed at the woman and said, ‘You see this woman?’

‘I’m trying not to…’

45 ‘This woman has been all over me ever since I came into your house. You, on the other hand, didn’t even bother to offer me a cup of coffee! 46 You didn’t so much as give me a kiss when I came in! 47 And would it have killed you to buy flowers?’

‘Woah, woah,’ spluttered Simon. ‘I invited you for a meal as a friend… Do you think this is a date?’

48 ‘I’m beginning to fucking wonder!’ screamed Jesus. Then he looked at the woman and said, ‘You, however, can call me anytime.’

The prostitute smiled at him and left.

49 The other guests, who’d been watching in morbid fascination, all said, ‘Who the fuck is this guy?’

50 Then Jesus stood up and said, ‘Screw you guys, I’m off for a piss.’

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