Anyone who blows a person to death is to be killed. 13 However, if it is not done intentionally, and God just sits by and lets it happen, he will let you hide out in his garden shed. It’s only fair. 14 If God later finds out that it was deliberate, he will rat you out.
15 Anyone who hits their parents should be put to death, even if they’re a toddler.
16 Anyone who kidnaps someone should be put to death, even if they have vital information about their victim’s whereabouts.
17 Anyone who curses their parents should be put to death, because curses are real, and they’re hurtful.
18 If two men are fighting, and one of them hits the other but doesn’t kill him, that’s perfectly fine, even if the victim needs the aid of a walking stick. 19 However, if he paralyses him, he must be used as a makeshift wheelchair.
20 Anyone who beats their slaves to death with a rod should be punished in some unspecified way. 21 However, if the slave is able to get up after a day or so, that’s fine, because slaves are property. Remember, it’s okay to beat them within an inch of their lives, but abstain from taking that last inch.
22 If somebody hits a pregnant woman and causes her to miscarry, he should be fined, because the unripe offspring is the father’s property. So much for the Bible being pro-life, eh? 23 However, if the woman is injured or killed, whatever injury is inflicted upon her must be inflicted upon her attacker. 24 A life for a life, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a boo-boo for a boo-boo, 25 a splinter for a splinter, a twisted nipple for a twisted nipple… you get the idea.
26 If a slave owner smacks their slave on the back of the head and knocks out their eye, the slave must become a pirate. 27 If they knock out a tooth, even better!
28 If a bull gores a man or woman to death, the bull is to be stoned to death, and its meat must not be eaten. 29 However, if the bull apologises, the owner is to be stoned to death, and his meat can be eaten. 30 If the gored person’s family demands a payment, stone them to death. 31 This law only applies to people; 32 if the bull only killed a slave, just pay their owner thirty shekels so that they can buy a new slave.
33 If anybody digs a pit and somebody’s ox or donkey falls into it, 34 the person who dug the pit should assume the responsibilities of the dead animal.
35 If somebody’s bull kills someone else’s bull, the remaining bull must be cut equally in two and each shall keep half. 36 However, if the owner put the bull up to it, he must exchange his bull for the dead bull and eat it in full view of the victim.
Whoever steals an ox or sheep and eats it must return the bones to its owner.
2 If a thief is caught breaking into a house at night and is killed, that’s fine, because he’s a thieving git. 3 But if it happens during the day, that’s a terrible sin, because... erm... I say so!
4 Anyone who steals a horse must give it back. But if they no longer have the horse, they should be given to the victim and be ridden as a horse... bareback!
5 If anyone lets their livestock wander free and eat from someone else’s field, the animal should be cut open to retrieve the crops.
6 If a fire breaks out and spreads into thorn-bushes so that it burns sheaves of corn or standing corn or the whole field, the fire must be punished with water. Naughty fire.
7 If anyone gives a neighbour silver or goods for safekeeping and they are stolen from the neighbour’s house, the thief, if caught, must pay back double. 8 But if the thief is not found, the owner of the house must appear before the judges in spandex performing Swan Lake.
9 In all cases of illegal possession of property, where one person says, ‘This is mine,’ and the other says, ‘No, this is mine,’ and it goes on like this for hours, the first person to give up and go home loses.
10 If a neighbour gives you a donkey, an ox or a sheep for safekeeping, and you have sex with it, 11 you must swear to God that you did not have sexual relations with that animal. 12 However, if you stole the animal in order to have sex with it, 13 you must eat it and take the neighbour the remains as evidence. 14 If you sleep with the animal while the owner isn’t there, why would you admit to it? 15 If he was there, however, you’re playing a really risky game… unless you hired it from him, of course.
16 Speaking of livestock, if a man seduces a virgin who isn’t pledged to be married, he must buy her from her father and marry her. 17 If her father refuses to sell her, he must marry the father.
18 Do not allow a witch to live in your large intestine.
19 Anyone who has sexual relations with a bear deserves to be mauled. Just saying.
20 If you sacrifice to any other god but the Lord, you must be destroyed! Not just killed, but completely obliterated! How fucking dare you!
21 Don’t mistreat foreigners… except for those that you buy as slaves.
22 Don’t mistreat widows, orphans, puppies, or kittens. 23 You can mistreat anyone else, but not them, 24 because it’ll make God angry, and he’ll kill you with his sword of justice.
25 If you lend money to the poor, don’t charge interest. 26 You can keep their clothes as a pledge as long as you give it back at night. 27 It’s fine if they’re wandering around naked all day, but I don’t condone people sleeping nude.
28 And for God’s sake, whatever you do, don’t blaspheme, God damn it!
29 You must give me all of your juices. Take that however you like it.
You must sacrifice your firstborn son to me. I may send an angel to stop you, or I may not; depends on what mood I’m in. 30 Sacrifice your firstborn animals too. Give them a week with their mothers first, so that they form a bond, but then take them away and burn them. The Lord loves him some barbecue!
31 If a wild beast savages one of your animals, throw it to the dogs; the animal, not the wild beast. You might want to chop it up first though.
You are to be my holy people, and as such, you are to be pierced repeatedly.