For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12

Sundry Laws [draft]

Exodus 21

12 Anyone who blows a person to death is to be killed. 13 However, if it is not done intentionally, and God just sits by and lets it happen, he will let you hide out in his garden shed. It’s only fair. 14 If God later finds out that it was deliberate, he will rat you out.

15 Anyone who hits their parents should be put to death, even if they’re a toddler.

16 Anyone who kidnaps someone should be put to death, even if they have vital information about their victim’s whereabouts.

17 Anyone who curses their parents should be put to death, because curses are real, and they’re hurtful.

18 If two men are fighting, and one of them hits the other but doesn’t kill him, that’s perfectly fine, even if the victim needs the aid of a walking stick. 19 However, if he paralyses him, he must be used as a makeshift wheelchair.

20 Anyone who beats their slaves to death with a rod should be punished in some unspecified way. 21 However, if the slave is able to get up after a day or so, that’s fine, because slaves are property. Remember, it’s okay to beat them within an inch of their lives but abstain from taking that last inch.

22 If somebody hits a pregnant woman and causes her to miscarry, he should be fined, because the unripe offspring is the father’s property. So much for the Bible being pro-life, eh? 23 However, if the woman is injured or killed, whatever injury is inflicted upon her must be inflicted upon her attacker. 24 A life for a life, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a boo-boo for a boo-boo, 25 a splinter for a splinter, a twisted nipple for a twisted nipple… you get the idea.

26 If a slave owner smacks their slave on the back of the head and knocks out their eye, the slave must become a pirate. 27 If they knock out a tooth, even better!

28 If a bull gores a man or woman to death, the bull is to be stoned to death, and its meat must not be eaten. 29 However, if the bull apologises, the owner is to be stoned to death, and his meat can be eaten. 30 If the gored person’s family demands a payment, stone them to death. 31 This law only applies to people; 32 if the bull only killed a slave, just pay their owner thirty shekels so that they can buy a new slave.

33 If anybody digs a pit and somebody’s ox or donkey falls into it, 34 the person who dug the pit should assume the responsibilities of the dead animal.

35 If somebody’s bull kills someone else’s bull, the remaining bull must be cut equally in two and each shall keep half. 36 However, if the owner put the bull up to it, he must exchange his bull for the dead bull and eat it in full view of the victim.

Exodus 22

Whoever steals an ox or sheep and eats it must return the bones to its owner.

2 If a thief is caught breaking into a house at night and is killed, that’s fine, because he’s a thieving git. 3 But if it happens during the day, that’s a terrible sin, because... erm... I say so!

4 Anyone who steals a horse must give it back. But if they no longer have the horse, they should be given to the victim and be ridden like a horse... bareback!

5 If anyone lets their livestock wander free and eat from someone else’s field, the animal should be cut open to retrieve the crops.

6 If a fire breaks out and spreads into thorn bushes so that it burns sheaves of corn or standing corn or the whole field, the fire must be punished with water. Naughty fire.

7 If anyone gives a neighbour silver or goods for safekeeping and they are stolen from the neighbour’s house, the thief, if caught, must pay back double. 8 But if the thief is not found, the owner of the house must appear before the judges in spandex performing Swan Lake.

9 In all cases of illegal possession of property, where one person says, ‘This is mine,’ and the other says, ‘No, this is mine,’ and it goes on like this for hours, the first person to give up and go home loses.

10 If a neighbour gives you a donkey, an ox or a sheep for safekeeping, and you have sex with it, 11 you must swear to God that you did not have sexual relations with that animal. 12 However, if you stole the animal in order to have sex with it, 13 you must eat it and take the neighbour the remains as evidence. 14 If you sleep with the animal while the owner isn’t there, why would you admit to it? 15 If he was there, however, you’re playing a really risky game… unless you hired it from him, of course.

16 Speaking of livestock, if a man seduces a virgin who isn’t pledged to be married, he must buy her from her father and marry her. 17 If her father refuses to sell her, he must marry the father.

18 Do not allow a witch to live in your large intestine.

19 Anyone who has sexual relations with a bear deserves to be mauled. Just saying.

20 If you sacrifice to any other god but the Lord, you must be destroyed! Not just killed, but completely obliterated! Because, how fucking dare you!

21 Don’t mistreat foreigners… except for those that you buy as slaves.

22 Don’t mistreat widows, orphans, puppies, or kittens. 23 You can mistreat anyone else, but not them, 24 because it’ll make God angry, and he’ll kill you with his sword of justice.

25 If you lend money to the poor, don’t charge interest. 26 You can keep their clothes as a pledge as long as you give them back at night. 27 It’s fine if they’re wandering around naked all day, but I don’t condone people sleeping nude!

28 And for God’s sake, whatever you do, don’t blaspheme, God damn it!

29 You must give me all of your juices. Take that however you like it.

You must sacrifice your firstborn son to me. I may send an angel to stop you, or I may not; depends on what mood I’m in. 30 Sacrifice your firstborn animals too. Give them a week with their mothers first, so that they form a bond, but then tear them away from their mother and burn them! The Lord loves him some barbecue!

31 If a wild beast savages one of your animals, throw it to the dogs; the animal, not the wild beast. You might want to chop it up first though; the animal, not the dog.

You are to be my holy people, and as such, you are to be pierced repeatedly.

Exodus 23

Don’t spread rumours. Did you hear about that harlot in Babylon who slept with every man she saw? She was a terrible gossip, and God punished her by giving her the clap. She still whores around though.

2 Don’t follow the crowd in sinning. 3 If the crowd jumped off a cliff, would you copy them? Yeah, I thought not.

4 If you come upon your enemy’s ass, be sure to wipe it off. 5 However, if that ass unburdens its load…

6 Don’t dispense perverted justice. For instance, wearing lingerie and stockings under your judge’s cloak or parading around the court in a gimp mask whipping people with double-headed dildos. 7 Oh, and sentencing innocent people to death.

8 Don’t accept bribes. Unless someone pays you to, then it’s okay.

9 Did I mention not to mistreat foreigners… except for those that you buy as slaves?

10 For six years you are to love your wife, 11 but during the seventh year, she is to go unploughed. The same applies to your livestock and crops.

12 Work six days a week, but rest on the seventh. The seventh is what God calls a ‘weekend’, and he wants you to use it to drink beer and go fishing. Take your slave; the guy could use a break.

13 Do everything I say, including those things that contradict the other things. And don’t even mention other gods, because, though they are fictional, I’m extremely jealous of them.

14 Three times a year, I want a party. 15 The first of these parties shall be the Feast of Bread Without Yeast. During that feast, I don’t want to catch you with anything containing yeast. I hate that frigging stuff! And bring me presents and bake me a cake, because the Lord your God deserves to have nice things.

16 The second party shall be the Harvest Dance. You can dress as a cowboy and do-si-do. Also, I want more stuff. The third party is the Festival of Inbreeding which is the perfect opportunity for you to hook up with your fine ass cousin.

17 Three times a year, the Sovereign Lord demands these parties.

18 Also, when you offer me a blood sacrifice, make sure there’s no yeast in it. Do I have to remind you how I feel about yeast? Plus, who the hell puts yeast in their blood?

Oh, and when you have a party, don’t leave the clean up until the next morning. It’s just lazy.

19 Of all the fruit you plant, God always gets the first apple. No exceptions.

You must not boil a kid in his mother's milk, nor can you shove a duck up a chicken’s butt and then shove the chicken up a turkey’s butt. You must not cook it and call it a ‘turducken’. This is an abomination to the Lord!

Leviticus 4

27 If any member of the community sins unintentionally, 28 they must release their guilt and bring whatever comes out as an offering for the Lord.

Leviticus 5

2 When thou makest an emission from thy nether mouth, thou shalt wipest from front to back. 3 If thou dost not, thou art an abomination to the Lord thy God.

Leviticus 19

4 Don’t worship metal gods. We all know Slash is awesome but worshipping him is a bit excessive.

5 When you prepare food for God, make sure you cook it properly. 6 And make sure it’s served hot and fresh. 7 The Lord doesn’t want something you’ve left for a few days to go mouldy. 8 And if you eat the Lordrsquo;s barbecue ribs, he’ll be livid, and you won’t be welcome in Israel anymore!

9 When you reap your crops, leave the ones around the edges of your field, that way the kids will have somewhere to hide when they play hide and seek.

10 When you pick grapes, don’t go back to pick any that you might have left. If God wanted you to have those grapes, he would have let you pick them the first time.

11 Don’t steal… unless you can get away with it.

Don’t lie unless it’s for Jesus.

12 Don’t say stuff like, ‘I swear to God!’ or, I swear to God, he’ll smite the shit out of you.

13 Don’t rob your neighbour. The guy in the house next to him has much nicer stuff.

Don’t sleep with money that you intend to give to someone else. Nobody wants jizz on their shekels.

14 ‘Don’t call the deaf names or trip the blind. Don’t startle the elderly or roll the limbless down a hill. Don’t tell orphans you’re going to adopt them and then run away.’

‘So, basically, all the fun stuff,’ sighed Moses.

15 When it comes to dispensing justice, don’t favour the poor or the rich, it’s the middle class who need special treatment.

16 Don’t go around spreading rumours; that’s what the tabloids are for.

Don’t endanger your neighbour’s life but punching him in the face a few times is perfectly fine.

17 Don’t hate your brother, but it’s fine to be all preachy and condescending to him.

18 The Lord said, ‘Don’t seek revenge on a bear.’

‘Why not?’ asked Moses.

‘You’ll know when it happens!’ warned the Lord.

19 ‘Don’t mate two different kinds of animals. I don’t want to see any weird hybrids.’

‘Like what?’ replied Moses.

‘You know, like half-stick insect half-hellhound or something.’

‘Oh, like Ann Coulter?’

Don’t plant different crops in the same field, wear clothes made from two different materials, put two kinds of seasoning on a dish, or two different colours in your hair. The Lord likes consistency.

20 If a man sleeps with a female slave that he’s already promised to another man, they must observe the rule of sloppy seconds. 21 He must bring a ram to my tent and make atonement all over it. 22 The priest will tell him when it’s enough.

23 When you plant a fruit tree, don’t circumcise it until it’s four years old. 24 In the fourth year, give all of its fruit to the priest, 25 and if he doesn’t throw up or die, you know it’s safe to eat.

26 You must wring your meat out thoroughly until there’s no blood in it.

Don’t practise divination, because you know what’ll happen…

27 Don’t cut the hair on the sides of your head or your beard. God likes to braid people’s hair as they sleep.

28 Don’t cut yourself or have tattoos even if you’re in a biker gang.

29 Don’t degrade your daughter by making her a prostitute. Go out and turn your own tricks.

30 On Sundays, you should revere the Lordrsquo;s sanctuary, which is his name for his butthole.

31 Don’t talk to dead people, they can’t answer.

32 Stand up whenever an old person enters, but not too fast or you might startle them, which is dangerous at their age.

33 When foreigners come to live in your land, don’t mistreat him. 34 It makes it that much easier to enslave him.

35 Don’t use weird units of measurement like pounds, inches, and quarts (what the fuck is a quart anyway?). 36 The Lord wants you to go metric. I’m talking to you, America!

37 Final rule: keep all of my laws! Because obviously, if you’re not the kind of person to follow rules, you’ll follow a rule that tells you to follow rules…

Deuteronomy 13

16 If your very own brother, or your son or daughter, or the wife you love, or your closest friend says to you, ‘Hey, I’m bored. Do you want to go worship other gods?’ kill them, and then tell everyone that you’ve killed them so that they think you’re a badass.

Deuteronomy 14

1 If someone dies, don’t shave yourself bald, paint yourself blue, and spend the entire funeral honking a novelty car horn. 2 Have some fucking dignity!

3 Do not eat any detestable thing like pizzas with pineapple. Only a depraved lunatic would do such a thing!

4 These are the animals you may eat: that one, that one, that one over there, 5 and that one, 6 but not that one because it’s my pet.

7 You must not eat my camel!

8 Don’t eat pigs because they don’t regurgitate their food and eat it again, so obviously, they’re filthy!

9 Of all the creatures living in the water, you may eat any that has fins and scales. 10 But you must under no circumstances eat a mermaid or their singing crab sidekick. I may be God, but I sure as hell don’t want to take on Disney!

11 The Lord said, 12 ‘You can eat any bird you like except for bird of prey and bats.’

13 ‘But bats aren’t birds,’ objected Moses.

14 ‘Listen here, 15 you prick! 16 If I say bats are birds, 17 they’re fucking birds! 18 Okay?’

19 Don’t eat creepething things. Leave the creepething things to creepeth creepethily.

21 Do not eat any animal you find dead on the side of the road. You may give it to Zeke the yokel.

Deuteronomy 21

10 When you slaughter your enemies and you take captives, you can take any of the pretty women as wives, 11 because it’s not like women have any say in the matter, and it’s obvious they’ll be overjoyed to marry the bastards who murdered their friends and family.

18 If you have a stubborn and rebellious son, also known as a teenager, 19 you must take him to the edge of town, 20 call him a fat drunken bastard, 21 and get everyone to stone him to death. That’ll scare some sense into the rest of those little cunts!

22 If you kill someone, don’t leave their body on a pole overnight, because it attracts wild animals, plus it starts to stink. 23 Always bury your victims.

Deuteronomy 22

If you see your fellow Israelite’s ox or sheep straying, order it to go home. 2 If it won’t tell you where it lives, you can keep it. 3 Do the same if you find their watch, their phone, or their widescreen TV.

4 If you see that your fellow Israelite’s donkey or ox has fallen on the road, do not ignore it. Smile and say, ‘Hi.’

5 A man shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a woman, even if the panties feeleth soft on thy nads.

6 If you come across a bird’s nest beside the road, either in a tree or on the ground, and the mother isn’t there, you must sit on the eggs until the mother returns. 7 If she never returns, you must adopt the birds and give them a traditional Jewish upbringing.

8 When you build a new house, make a parapet around your roof so that if someone climbs up there for some reason, they won’t fall off and crush your flowers.

9 Don’t plant two kinds of seed in your vineyard; if you do, the plants might mutate and try to eat you!

10 Don’t plough an ox and a donkey together. Take each of them out to dinner separately, and then you may plough them.

11 God said to Moses, ‘Do not wear clothes of wool and linen woven together.’

‘But, why, Lord?’ replied Moses.

12 ‘It’s just tacky. But tassels, those will never go out of style.’

Deuteronomy 23

1 No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord. We’ve had complaints from the neighbours about their high-pitched singing.

2 A bastard may not enter the assembly of the Lord, nor any of their descendants not even in the tenth generation. We also frown upon twats, fuckers, and cockwombles.

10 If one of your men is unclean because he farted in bed, he is to go outside the camp and think about what he did.

Incidentally, that’s the origin of the saying: ‘I wouldn’t kick him out of Israel for farting.’

12 Designate a place outside the camp where you can go to relieve yourself. 13 And when you relieve yourself dig a hole to bury your excrement. 14 For the Lord your God moves about in your camp, and he doesn’t want to step in shit.

24 If you enter your neighbour's vineyard, you may eat all the grapes you want. If you enter his cornfield, you may eat all the corn you want. 25 If you enter his closet, you may try on his clothes. If you enter his bedroom, you may bang his wife. If you enter his daughter's room, bang her too. If you enter his toilet, take a big dump and don't flush. Your neighbour is a dick, and he deserves what he gets.

Deuteronomy 24

20 When you beat the olives from your trees, don’t beat the tree itself; it hurts, and the tree might get angry and take revenge, visiting iniquity on your children to the third and fourth generation.

Deuteronomy 25

11 If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his nads… that’s fucked up! 12 I mean seriously, who does that?

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