MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12

Sowing Wild Oats

Matthew 13

One day, Jesus decided to go for a walk by the lake. After a while, he stopped and sat on a rock to rest. Soon, a crowd of people had gathered around him thinking that he was going to give a sermon.

‘For fuck’s sake!’ he griped. ‘Can’t I even go for a stroll without being bothered?’

2 The crowd became so large that Jesus got into a boat and rowed away.

‘Come back, Jesus!’ called the people. ‘We want a blessing!’

3 Jesus sighed and brought the boat close to the shoreline. Then he said, ‘Listen. There once was a farmer who went out to the garden to choke the hose.’

The people stared at him in bemusement.

4 He continued, ‘As he was scattering his seed, some fell along the path and the birds swooped down and ate it. 5 Some fell on the rocks, 6 but when the sun came out, it quickly dried and hardened on. 7 Some of his seed even splashed onto the neighbour’s cat. He had a lot of explaining to do when they found it drenched in his semen, let me tell you! Needless to say, this guy was going at it furiously and getting seed everywhere!’

The crowd looked at each other with open mouths.

8 Jesus continued, ‘Now some went on his wife’s zinnias. 9 His wife was furious, but those zinnias won first prize in the flower show!’

10 The disciples approached him and asked, ‘Why do you tell such fucked up stories?’

11 He replied, ‘Because the secrets of the Universe are contained in my head.’

‘Erm… That doesn’t explain anything…’

12 ‘Have you got any idea what it’s like to have such vast knowledge packed into a puny human brain?’ fumed Jesus.

‘Not really…’ groaned his disciples.

13 Jesus muttered to himself, ‘Though they look, they do not see. Though they hear, they do not understand.’ 14 Then he looked at the disciples and said, ‘Maybe this poem from the prophet Isaiah will help:

15

‘Those without ears will never hear.

Those without eyes will never peer.

Those without hearts will drop down dead.

Those without necks will lose their head.

16

‘If I gave you ears, you’d hear my words.

If I gave you wings, you would be birds.

If I gave you eyes, then you would see.

But I give you my heart. Will you marry me?’

17 ‘Jesus Christ!’ screamed the disciples. ‘You’re not making any sense!’

18 ‘Fine,’ retorted Jesus, ‘I’ll explain the parable to you! The farmer’s seed represents the message of salvation.’

‘In that it’s a load of old wank?’ asked Judas.

19 ‘Shut up and listen!’ spat Jesus. ‘The seed that fell on the path represents those who hear the word but get attacked by birds, so they quickly forget it. 20 The seed that fell on the rocks represents those who hear the word, 21 but instead of heeding its message go off to sunbathe. 22 The seed that fell on the cat represents those who have sex with animals. There’s just no helping those people… 23 But the seed that fell on the zinnias represent those people who the word will nourish. So, if the Holy Spirit comes upon you, open your hearts, and open your mouths, and see if you can catch some on your tongue.’

His disciples shook their heads and sighed, ‘You’re one messed up dude, Jesus.’

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