Snow White and the Seven Miriams [draft]
One day, Aaron and Miriam decided to have a go at Moses about his Cushite wife; oh, I forgot to mention, Moses married a Cushite. 2 They said to Moses, ‘Why does God love you more than us? Neither of us married any of those Cushite women!’
3 Moses retorted, ‘What’s wrong with having an unnamed Cushite wife?’
‘Well, you know…’ replied Aaron awkwardly.
‘No, I don’t know. What’s the issue?’
Aaron leaned in and whispered, ‘She’s black.’
‘You racist prick!’ yelled Moses. ‘What the fuck does a person’s skin colour have to do with anything?’
4 Suddenly, the Lord, who had overheard the argument, called from Heaven, ‘Oi! Get your arses into the tent of meeting!’
Aaron went to speak, but the Lord bawled, ‘Now!’
5 The Lord descended as a pillar of cloud and settled at the door of the tabernacle, and he said, ‘Now, let me make my feelings for Moses clear.’ 6 And he recited this poem:
‘A prophet is an honoured guy
Who talks to God up in the sky,
Sometimes in visions or in dreams,
Or rainbows scattered from sunbeams.
‘But Moses is special and unique;
He’s really modest and he’s meek.
He’s more to me than just a friend.
He’s seen my face and my rear end.
‘We’ve romped in meadows amongst the corn,
And stayed up talking until dawn.
He barbecues meat and I bake bread,
And he’s really good at giving…’
‘Stop!’ interrupted Moses. ‘I don’t think they need to know all the details!’
9 This really pissed off the Lord, so he disappeared.
10 Just then, Aaron looked across at Miriam, and behold, she was as white as snow. ‘Jesus Christ!’ he exclaimed. ‘You look just like Michael Jackson!’
‘Will you frigging lay off black people?’ spat Moses.
11 Aaron threw himself down on his knees and begged God, 12 ‘Please, Lord, don’t hold us accountable for our actions!’
13 Moses got down on his knees, ‘Please don’t punish Miriam for Aaron being a racist bastard!’
14 Then the Lord called to them, ‘Oh, it’s not because of the racism.’
‘Why then?’ asked Moses.
‘If her father had spat just in her face when she was a child, maybe she wouldn’t be acting like this. Now kick her out of the camp for seven days, she has leprosy, and it’s disgusting.’
‘But you were the one who…’ began Moses.
‘You know the rules!’ roared the Lord.
15 So, Miriam was shut out of the camp for seven days, and while she was there, 16 the rest of the Israelites moved from Hazeroth to the Wilderness of Paran.