A Snip Too Far
When Abram was 99 years old, the Lord appeared to him and shouted, ‘Abram!’
2 Abram fell flat on his face. ‘God Almighty!’ he cried. ‘You nearly gave me a heart attack!’
3 ‘God Almighty?’ replied the Lord. ‘Hmm. I like that.’
4 Abram picked himself up off the ground, and said, ‘What do you want, Lord?’
5 ‘Oh, I was just thinking. I don’t really care for the name Abram. Why don’t you change it to Abraham?’
‘But Abram means “exalted father”. What does Abraham mean?’
The Lord replied, ‘Shagger.’
‘That’s awesome! I’m totally changing my name to Abraham!’
6 ‘Now that you’ve changed your name, your sperm is going to be super powered, and you’re going to have a lot of offspring. 7 In fact, all of your offspring’s offspring will have a lot of offspring too. 8 So I’m giving you the whole land of Canaan, and you can populate it with your hyper-power semen shooter.’
‘That’s really cool!’ declared Abraham. ‘But wait; didn’t you already give me the land of Canaan?’
The Lord shifted his weight back and forth on his feet awkwardly. ‘Well, yeah. But now you’ve got mega-potency too.’
9 The next day, an angel of the Lord appeared to Abraham and said, ‘Hey, Abraham. God just sent me down to tell you... I’m not sure how to say this...’
Abraham replied, ‘Just tell me.’
‘Okay.’ The angel paused. ‘You know that fold of skin on the end of your,’ he coughed, ‘penis?’
10 ‘God wants you to... chop it off.’
Abraham was shocked.
11 The angel continued, ‘Yeah, I’m sorry, mate. God told me it repenteth him that he has made it.’
Abraham wasn’t too pleased, but he said, ‘Well, okay. If you’re sure that’s what he wants.’
12 Later that day, Abraham was recovering from the trauma of foreskin removal surgery without anaesthetic, when God appeared in a flash of light, ‘Hi, Abraham, I just came to see if you... Jesus Christ! What the fuck did you do?’
13 Abraham moaned, ‘I chopped off my foreskin just as you instructed me, Lord.’
God looked visibly agitated, ‘Oh for fuck sake!’
‘Did I not please you, Lord?’ sighed Abraham.
‘I’m going to kill Gabriel!’ spat God angrily. ‘Look, I’m really sorry, but you got the wrong message. I asked Gabriel to tell you to cut...’
God continued, ‘Your pubic hair.’
‘What?’ screamed Abraham.
‘Yeah. You see, you guys don’t wear trousers, and you’re getting kind of overgrown... well, I’ll just say it. You look like a freaking yeti down there.’
‘Well,’ moaned Abraham, ‘if I trim my pubes, will you make my foreskin grow back?’
14 ‘Actually,’ replied God, ‘I quite like the look. Tell you what, why don’t you get every male in the land to circumcise themselves? It can be, like, your thing.’
‘I’m not sure if they’ll go for that, Lord. It was really painful.’
15 ‘Tell them that it makes your cock look bigger. They’ll go for it. Oh, by the way. I’ve decided that I’m going to change your wife’s name to Sarah instead of Sarai.’
Abraham fell on his face laughing.
‘What’s so funny?’ asked God.
‘Sarah means “loose”!’
God snickered and said, ‘Tell her it means “princess”.’
They both chuckled.
16 ‘Anyway,’ continued God. ‘Sarah’s going to have a baby boy.’
17 ‘What? But she’s 90 years old and barren!’
‘Yeah,’ replied God, ‘but, I’m going to enrich her soil so that you can plant one of your man-seeds.’
18 ‘But I’m 100 years old!’
19 God replied, ‘Shh. This is the Bible, remember. It’s never the man’s fault in the Bible. Anyway, I don’t like Ishmael, he’s got filthy Egyptian blood in him, so I’ve decided you’re going to have another kid and call him Isaac. 20 And that special agreement you and I have will be passed on to him. 21 Don’t worry about Ishmael, though, he’ll have his own nation. And that nation will even have its own religion, but the less said about that the better to be honest.’
22 With that, God left in a puff of smoke.
23 So Abraham waited until everyone was asleep, 24 and he sneaked into their tents with his pen-knife and sliced off the foreskins of all the males, 25 including his 13-year-old son Ishmael. 26 A few of the men regained consciousness while he was only half-way through the job, and he had to head-butt them to stop them from strangling him. 27 That night, the hills were alive with the sound of blood curdling screams.