Seek the Goatman
Someone in the crowd called to Jesus, ‘Rabbi, my brother won’t share his toys with me.’
14 Jesus replied, ‘I’m not your fucking father!’
The man began to cry.
15 ‘That’s it, young man. Go sit in the corner! Now, if the rest of you will behave, I’ll tell you a story.’
16 The crowd sat cross-legged, and Jesus told them this tale: ‘Once upon a time, there was a rich man who owned a field. One year, his crop produced a particularly large harvest.
17 ‘He thought to himself, “Hmm, I have more crops than I can store.” Then an idea came to him. 18 “Ah ha! I’ll demolish my barns and build bigger ones, and then I can store all of my surplus grain. 19 Maybe I can finally have a rest for once and spend time with the wife and kids. We could go on holiday! I’ve always wanted to go to the Sea of Galilee and do some fishing.”
20 ‘But God said to him, “Foolish mortal! How dare you invest in your future!”
‘And do you know what God did?’
The crowd shook their heads.
21 He leaned forwards and said, ‘He burned the man’s house to the ground and nailed the door shut so that he couldn’t escape!’ He sat back and said, ‘The moral of the story, my friends, is this: God is a cunt.’
22 When the crowd had all dispersed, Jesus turned to his disciples and said, ‘Now that the rabble is away, I can let you in on the true meaning of the story. 23 You see, I’ve adopted this new philosophy called Hakuna Matata.’
‘What does that mean?’ asked his disciples.
24 ‘Why, it means no worries for the rest of your days! Just think of the ravens. Do ravens plant fields and harvest crops?’
‘No,’ replied the disciples.
‘Yet, God feeds them. And God loves humans a lot more than some poxy birds.’
‘Yes, but ravens scavenge for food and search tirelessly for their next meal!’ objected Thomas.
25 ‘Oh, Thomas,’ sighed Jesus, booping him gently on the nose. 26 ‘Quit worrying; you’ll live longer.’ 27 Then he walked away saying, ‘Come, my friends, let’s look at the wildflowers as they grow. My, how they spin.’
‘Holy shit!’ cried Simon. ‘He’s high as a kite!’
Judas stepped forwards nervously and said, ‘He was bumming me out with all his talk of burning people alive, so I slipped him some E…’
‘You treacherous bastard!’ yelled James.
28 ‘I have an idea!’ declared Jesus. ‘Let’s make clothes for the grass in the field! 29 Then we can strip off our clothes and run around like pagans!’
‘Jesus Christ!’ exclaimed John. ‘He’s gone completely Lucy in the sky with diamonds!’
29 ‘For the pagans run after things,’ sang Jesus, throwing his underwear at a nearby goat. 30 ‘But if you seek the goatman, he will give you all of these things.’
31 Peter had run off to get a blanket, and he and the other disciples spread it out and approached Jesus cautiously.
32 ‘Don’t be afraid, little sheepies,’ said Jesus chasing after the goat. ‘Daddy has come to give you his kingdom! 33 Take off your wool coat and wear only a purse, and the moth will never destroy you.’
The disciples pounced on him and wrapped the blanket around him.
34 As they dragged him home, he looked at them with an inane grin on his face and said, ‘I’ve just realised something. There’s treasure in my bum,’ and he shit all over the sheet.