MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12

Rolls and Wipes

Matthew 14

When Jesus heard that the people of Galilee were infected with the coronavirus, he retreated to the edge of the sea and got into a boat to escape. 14 Unfortunately, the townspeople had followed him and were encircling the boat, lunging towards him and trying to take hold of his cloak.

15 His disciples came to him and said, ‘We’ve just been to the shops. They’ve bought all of the toilet paper!’

‘Have you been in contact with any them?’ asked Jesus wincing.

‘Well, maybe a little…’ replied Judas brushing a glob of sputum off his sleeve.

16 ‘Give them some toilet paper and tell them to piss off!’ screamed Jesus. ‘I don’t want to catch corona-cooties!’

17 ‘But we only have five rolls of toilet paper and two baby wipes!’ protested Thomas.

18 ‘Fine,’ sighed Jesus. ‘Bring them to me!’

19 So, the disciples brought the toilet rolls and baby wipes to him, and they told the crowd to form an orderly queue. Jesus held them up to Heaven and divided the rolls into single squares, and he split each square into individual plies, which he gave to the disciples to distribute to the people. 20 After each person had received a square, Jesus tore the remaining paper into pieces, and hid them in his palm.

21 And so that day, each of the five thousand men and their wives and children received a thin ply of toilet paper.

The people in the crowd eyed the flimsy pieces of tissue in their hands and complained, ‘What the fuck are we supposed to do with these?’

‘Shhh,’ soothed Peter. ‘He’s about to do something miraculous.’

22 Jesus looked at the people, lifted his hands to the sky, wiped himself down from head to toe with the baby wipes, and then he threw the pieces of paper like confetti, yelled, ‘Tada!’ and jumped into the boat and rowed away, leaving his bewildered disciples to deal with the angry townspeople.

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