For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12

Rode to Golgotha

Matthew 27:15-32, Mark 15:6-21, Luke 23:11-32, John 19:1-16

Now the Romans never had a tradition of releasing a prisoner of the people’s choosing, but screw it, we’ve already made up a load of shit, so we’ll have Pilate doing just that.

Pilate stood at Gabbatha in front of the Judean people and announced, ‘As you know, there is a custom in these parts to release one prisoner regardless of how bad his crime was and how much of a threat to society he is. So, I put it to you, the people of Jerusalem, whom would you like to be released?’

The people muttered amongst themselves, and a woman piped up, ‘Release Brian!’

Pilate turned to his advisor and asked, ‘Do we have a Brian?’

‘No, sir,’ replied the advisor.

‘We don’t have a Brian!’ declared Pilate. ‘Any other suggestions?’

A man called out, ‘Release Barabbas!’

Pilate shook his head with astonishment and replied, ‘But Jesus Barabbas is a notorious child murderer and granny rapist! He’s a menace to society! Perhaps you mean Jesus of Nazareth, an innocent man who is being held on false charges?’

The man replied, ‘No, release Barabbas! All those charges against him were concocted by the fake news!’

‘But they found him in a house full of slaughtered children sodomising a granny!’ protested Pilate. ‘He’s clearly guilty!’

‘Well, that’s just circumstantial. He didn’t know that the house was full of dead kids, and that woman is a known harlot!’

‘When we caught him, he confessed to the whole thing, and he said that he’d do it again if we ever released him!’

‘Fake news!’ cried the man. ‘Release Barabbas!’

The whole crowd began to chant, ‘Release Barabbas! Release Barabbas!’

The governor turned to his adviser and asked, ‘What the hell is it with these Judeans and chanting?’ Then he turned back to the crowd and said, ‘Okay, I’ll release Barabbas, but I wash my hands of this whole situation.’

Later that day, Pilate had the soldiers flog Jesus. After an hour, he returned to find that Jesus had been scourged until he looked like a wadded-up tissue after a nosebleed.

‘Who the fuck did this?’ asked Pilate.

‘It was Mel Gibson, sir,’ sighed the guard. ‘He seems to get off on abject displays of human suffering. He said it was his passion.’

‘Jesus Christ!’ yelled Pilate. ‘Get him cleaned up!’

The soldiers cleaned Jesus up, but then got bored, and twisted some thorns into a crown and placed it on his head. Then they tied a purple or possibly scarlet robe on him and bowed down to him saying, ‘All hail the King of the Jews!’ and fell about laughing. After that, they took turns riding him around the garrison like a horse whilst whipping his arse with a reed and cheering, ‘Giddy-up!’

By the time came for Jesus was brought out of the Praetorium, a rowdy mob had assembled.

The soldiers announced to them, ‘Here is your king!’

The people called back, ‘Take him away! Crucify him!’

They gave him his cross and began to march him to Golgotha (aka Calvary, aka Skull Island). Seeing this, a man from Cyrene called Simon pointed at Jesus and jeered, ‘Haha! I bet that cross is heavy!’

The Roman soldiers stopped, took the cross from Jesus, and forced Simon to carry it, saying, ‘Who’s laughing now, dipshit?’

As they walked, a small crowd of women began to follow them, wailing hysterically, as was the fashion at the time.

Jesus turned to them and said, ‘Daughters of Jerusalem, don’t weep for me, but for your children.’

‘Why?’ they asked. ‘What’s happened to our kids?’

‘They have the embarrassment of having drama queens for mothers!’

‘Fuck you, Jesus!’ they rebuked.

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