MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Exodus > The Exodus

Rock God!

Exodus 15

Then Moses picked up an electric guitar and began to sing:

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‘I sing to the Lord, our valiant hero.

He slaughters Egyptians and chuckles with glee.

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He could have just blocked them,

Instead the Lord knocked them,

Both horses and riders down into the sea.

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‘The Lord is so strong; much stronger than people.

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If he wanted to, he could squish you like flies.

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One hell of a brawler

‘gainst anyone smaller.

He never gets bruises or even black eyes.

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‘The soldiers all laughed; thought they could defeat us.

They mocked as they chased us across the seabed.

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The enemy boasted,

But ended up toasted.

And we had the last laugh; the bastards are dead!

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‘The Lord was incensed, he burned in his fury.

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He knew he must beat them whatever the price.

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He struck without pity.

And it wasn’t pretty.

But who said all-loving gods had to be nice?

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‘And out of his nose, he unleashed a tempest.

The soldiers had no time to get to the shore.

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The riders were dashing,

But the waves came crashing.

They sank just like pebbles, and they were no more.

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‘Now Pharaoh was shocked; he stood there, mouth gaping.

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He realised that he had nowhere left to run.

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The water came rushing,

And Pharaoh was blushing.

And when the tide settled, the battle was won!

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‘Our God is mighty, the rest are all pussies.

No other gods fight for their people like him.

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Dagon is infertile,

And Lotan is docile.

He’ll shatter your Ba’als and burn your Asherim!’

19 So, to recap, the Israelites crossed the dry seabed, but the Lord brought the water back down on Pharaoh and his soldiers.

The Israelites had just finished singing when Miriam, Aaron’s sister (also Moses’s sister), came running with a tambourine. 21 ‘Am I too late?’ she panted.

‘Yup,’ replied Aaron. ‘The song’s over.’

‘Shit!’


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