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MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Genesis > Abraham

Abram Joins the Rebel Alliance

Genesis 14

A long time ago, in the 13th year of Emperor Chedorlaomer’s reign over Elam, 2 the cities of plain formed the Rebel Alliance and tried to overthrow Chedorlaomer’s Galactic Empire. 3 The two armies faced off across the Valley of Siddim near the Dead Sea. 4 On one side, the Rebel Alliance of Prince Bera of Sodom, Prince Birsha of Gomorrah, Prince Shinab of Admah, and Prince Shemeber of Zeboiim, and on the other, the Galactic Empire of Chedorlaomer with his generals Darth Amraphel of Shinar, Darth Arioch of Ellasar, and Darth Tidal of Goyim.

5 Within a year, the Galactic Empire had managed to defeat Rephaites in Ashteroth Karnaim, the Zuzites in Ham, the Emites in Shaveh Kiriathim, 6 and the Horites of Mount Seir, conquering territory as far as El Paran near the desert.

7 Now the Amalekites, who descended from Amalek the grandson of Esau, had travelled back in time during an experiment with a DeLorean that had gone slightly askew, and were living in Edom. The Empire decided to test a new weapon they’d been developing called the Death Star on Edom and Hazezon Tamar. They fired a powerful beam obliterating the Amalekites as well the Amorites who lived in Hazezon Tamar.

8 Back in the Valley of Siddim, the Rebel Alliance was outnumbered four to five, but Bera said, ‘Never tell me the odds,’ and ordered the Rebel Alliance forces to advance across the valley.

9 Unfortunately, the Galactic Empire’s storm troopers managed to take out a large chunk of the Rebel army. Bera looked at Birsha and said, ‘I have a bad feeling about this!’

10 So the Rebels began to retreat, but the valley was littered with sarlaccs, which many of the Rebel soldiers fell into; only a small few managed to escape to the hills. 11 The Empire plundered Sodom and Gomorrah, 12 and kidnapped Abram’s nephew Lot along with the remaining Sodomites and Gomorreans.

13 Now a plucky little service droid called AreNot-AreToo managed to escape the battle, and he came with a message to Abram the Hebrew. Abram was living near the trees of Mamre the Amorite and his brothers Eshkol and Aner. Abram pressed a button on the droid, and a holographic message played.

‘Help me, Abram!’ said the holographic image of Lot. ‘You’re my only hope!’

14 Hearing this, Abram and a small band of 318 men journeyed to Dan to face the Empire.

15 During the night, Abram devised a plan to take down the Death Star and rescue his nephew. He would split his army into two divisions. One group would divert the Empire fighters leading them towards Hobah north of Damascus, whilst the other would infiltrate the Death Star via a poorly guarded exhaust port. 16 The plan was successful, and Abram recovered all the goods taken from Sodom and Gomorrah, and saved his nephew Lot and all the Sodomites and Gomorreans. As they left, they fired a charge into the exhaust port, and the Death Star exploded in tremendous blast.

17 After the defeat of Chedorlaomer, Prince Bera of Sodom held a huge ceremony in the Valley of Shaveh, where he presented Abram with a medal. 18 Then King Melchizedek of Salem laid out a feast in his honour. Melchizedek was also a Jedi master, 19 so he blessed Abram, saying:

‘The force is strong with you, my boy.

You took down the dark lord.

20

May the force be with you always, son.

The light side’s your reward.’

Then Abram offered Prince Bera a tenth of everything had, 21 but the king refused, saying, ‘Give me the people as slaves and keep the goods for yourself.’

22 But Abram replied, ‘I swear to god, I don’t want you to get credit for making me rich!’

‘Well, that’s a fine attitude to have!’ spat Bera.

23 ‘Just let me keep what’s mine, and you can keep what’s yours.’

‘Fine!’

24 So Abram left taking only what was his.


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