MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Gospels > Cruci-Fiction

Plots and Perfume

Matthew 26

Matthew 26:1-16, Mark 14:1-9, Luke 22:1-6

Jesus and his disciples were in Bethany for the Feast of Bread Without Yeast on their way to the house of their friend Simon the Leprous. Jesus said to his disciples, ‘As you know, the Feast of Bread Without Yeast is two days away.’

‘Yes,’ cheered Thaddaeus. ‘It’s going to be such fun!’

‘I’m going to die,’ declared Jesus.

‘What?’ exclaimed all of his disciples together.

‘Yup. Somewhere, at this very moment, a bunch of priests and lawgivers are plotting against me.’

‘Where?’ asked Judas.

Jesus paused for a moment and said, ‘At the palace of Caiaphas.’

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Doom… I mean… at the palace of the high priest Caiaphas, the chief priests and the teachers of law were assembled.

‘Something has to be done about this Jesus!’ cried one of the priests. ‘He’s got the people all stirred up with his blasphemy!’

‘We should send some men out to capture him at night when nobody will notice!’ yelled another.

‘But how will they possibly identify this widely known man?’ interjected Caiaphas.

‘Damn it!’ cursed the first priest. ‘I didn’t think of that!’

‘If only there were someone who could point him out to the mob…’ pondered Caiaphas.

‘Well, whatever we do, we have to do it quickly,’ said the second priest. ‘If we do it during Passover, people will riot!’

‘And when we do capture him,’ declared Caiaphas, ‘we will have him secretly killed by having a trial and handing him over to the Romans, who will try him again and then publicly crucify him!’ He clenched his fist to show his resolve.

‘Nobody will ever know,’ smirked the first priest.

Later that day in Simon’s house, the disciples were sitting around sulking about Jesus’s impending death. Just then, a woman wandered into the house and poured a jar of perfume over Jesus’s head.

‘What the fuck are you doing?’ screamed Peter, and he started to beat the woman with a sweeping brush.

‘Yeah,’ said Judas, ‘that’s perfume’s expensive!’

‘Leave her alone!’ yelled Jesus.

‘But she just emptied that jar of perfume over your head!’

‘Yeah, but it was beautiful,’ sighed Jesus.

‘I think the fumes of the perfume have you high as a kite!’ scorned Matthew.

Peter, who had the woman pinned against the wall, asked her, ‘Why did you do that?’

‘Well, I wanted to get him ready to be buried,’ she said nervously.

‘Holy shit!’ cried Peter. ‘He’s only just announced that he’s going to die! We haven’t had a chance to grieve or anything!’

James piped up, ‘It’s like basting the chicken before you’ve killed it!’

‘You insensitive shit!’ spat Andrew, pouncing on James.

While everyone was arguing, Satan took the opportunity to slip inside Judas and take control of his body. Rather than doing anything to harm Jesus himself, he decided to sneak off to conspire with the priests and get Jesus crucified, which was pretty stupid of him, because it was exactly what God wanted to happen. Regardless, the priests were delighted to have Judas’s help, and they paid him handsomely.

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