Matthew 28:1-8, Mark 16:1-8, Luke 24:1-8, John 20:1-7
Early in the morning, on the day after the Sabbath, Mary Magdalene, that other Mary, and Salome or possibly Joanna went to Jesus’s tomb to anoint his body.
As they walked, that other Mary asked, ‘How the hell are we going to shift that heavy stone from the entrance of the tomb?’
‘I’m sure there will be a big strong man there who can do it for us,’ replied Salome or possibly Joanna.
Mary Magdalene stopped and spat ‘Fuck that! We don’t need a man to do things for us! We can manage!’
However, when they arrived at the tomb, they found that stone had already been rolled away. The women were dumbfounded. They were just about to enter the tomb when the earth began to shake violently. They stepped back in shock.
Just then, the clouds parted, and the angel of the Lord shot down from Heaven like a bolt of lightning. Seeing that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance of the tomb, he cried, ‘Shit!’ rolled the stone back over the entrance, and ascended back into Heaven.
The women looked at each other in bemusement, shrugged, and went to see if they could shift the stone from the entrance.
Suddenly, the earth quaked, the clouds parted, and the angel of the Lord descended again. He rolled the stone away from the entrance of the tomb and then perched on top of it like a bird. The men guarding the tomb were so confused that they died on the spot.
‘What was the point of that?’ yelled Mary Magdalene, crossing her arms angrily.
The angel replied, ‘Sorry, I have to do what the man upstairs tells me.’ Then he fluttered off back into the sky.
Mary shook her head and led the others into the tomb.
Inside, they found a man in a trench coat twiddling his thumbs awkwardly. And lo, Jesus’s body was missing!
‘What the hell have you done to Jesus?’ roared Mary, grabbing the man by the scruff of the neck.
‘Nothing!’ objected the man, struggling to escape her grip.
‘No, you’re not getting away that easily!’ she said, shaking him so hard that his coat came loose, revealing two midgets in silver suits standing one on top of the other.
‘What the fuck is going on?’ she screamed.
The midgets looked at her nervously and said, ‘Jesus has risen from the dead. Just go and tell the other disciples that he’ll meet you in Galilee… or possibly Emmaus.’
‘You’re full of shit!’ rebuked Mary.
But the midgets scurried off out of the tomb, leaving them alone.
After the women had left the tomb, that other Mary and Salome or possibly Joanna headed back to town, filled with a sense of terror, but somehow also joy. Mary Magdalene, determined to get to the bottom of the situation, ran off to get Peter and John. She found them at a local pub drowning their sorrows.
‘Somebody’s stolen Jesus’s body!’ she cried.
‘What?’ exclaimed the men, and they sprinted off to the tomb to investigate.
John arrived first, and he bent down to inspect the strips of fabric that lay just outside the tomb. Peter ran past him into the tomb where he found more strips of fabric and the cloth that they’d wrapped Jesus’s head in lying where the body had been. ‘Holy shit!’ he exclaimed. ‘Jesus is a mummy!’
‘No,’ replied John soberly. ‘He’s a zombie!’