MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Genesis > Noah's Arc

Noah’s Drunken Shenanigans

Genesis 9

20 Noah settled down and planted the vineyard that he’d always dreamed of, where he could have all the wine he could ever drink.

21 One day, Noah became so drunk that he decided to try on his wife’s floral dress. 22 He was merrily dancing around and admiring himself in his full-length mirror, when Ham (who, if you remember, was the father of Canaan) walked in.

When Ham saw what his father was doing, he ran from the tent screaming, ‘I’ll just tell my brothers that you were naked!’

23 Now, his brothers, Shem and Japheth, heard this, so they took a blanket and walked backwards into Noah’s tent, because they really didn’t want to catch a glimpse of their father’s junk… again. Noah, seeing them enter, quickly lay down and pretended to be asleep.

24 A few hours later, when Noah awoke from his drunken stupor, he remembered that Ham had walked in on him; so naturally, he decided to take it out on his grandson Canaan. 25 He cursed him, saying, ‘Canaan is cursed! I hope you get enslaved, you little shit!’

Canaan, who had overheard his granddad yelling, came running. ‘What did I do?’ he squealed.

26 Noah recited this poem:

‘Praise the Lord, the God of Shem!

Please make Canaan into a slave,

27

And give Japheth lots of land

And some tents, he likes tents.’

Then Shem chimed in with a poem of his own:

‘I do not like my brother Ham.

I do not like him,

Shem I am.’

And this is why, when Shem’s descendants the Israelites enslaved the Canaanites, it was all perfectly justified.

28 After the flood Noah lived 350 years, so add that to his age of 601 by the end of the flood, and that makes… a total of 950 years. And after he lived, he died.


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