Noah’s Drunken Shenanigans
20 So Noah settled down and planted the vineyard that he’d always dreamed of and had all the wine he could ever drink.
21 One day, Noah became so drunk that he decided to try on his wife’s floral dress. 22 Just then, Ham (who, if you remember, was the father of Canaan) walked in. When he saw Noah, he ran from the tent screaming, ‘I’ll just tell my brothers you were naked!’
23 When Shem and Japheth heard this, they took a blanket and walked backwards into Noah’s tent, because they really didn’t want to catch a glimpse of their father’s junk… again. Noah, seeing them enter, quickly lay down and pretended to be asleep.
24 When Noah awoke from his drunken stupor, he remembered that Ham had walked in on him; so naturally, he decided to take it out on his grandson Canaan. 25 He cursed him, saying, ‘Canaan is cursed! I hope you get enslaved, you little shit!’
Canaan, who overheard his granddad yelling, came running. ‘What did I do?’ he asked.
26 Then Noah recited this poem:
‘Praise the Lord, the God of Shem!
Please make Canaan into a slave,
And give Japheth has lots of land
And some tents, he likes tents.’
Then Shem chimed in with a poem of his own:
‘I do not like my brother Ham.
I do not like him,
Shem I am.’
28 After the flood Noah lived 350 years, so add that to the 601 years he was by the end of the flood, and that makes… a total of 950 years. And after he lived, he died.