Moses and the Magical Talking Bush [draft]
Now Moses’s father-in-law Reuel had been moved to a different parish and changed his name to Jethro. One day, Moses was tending Jethro’s flock when he came to Mount Horeb. 2 He turned and saw a bush that was on fire, so he ran over to see if he could put it out. As he drew closer, he saw that despite the flames, the bush wasn’t being burnt.
3 ‘Well, you don’t see that every day,’ he said to himself.
4 He was just about to walk away, when the bush cried out, ‘Moses!’
Moses nearly shit himself.
Then the bush screamed, ‘Ahhh! Put me out! For the love of God!’
Quickly, Moses doused the flames with water from his flask, and the bush breathed a sighed of relief.
‘Thank you,’ said the bush. ‘Because you have done this, I will give you three wishes.’
‘Really?’ asked Moses hopefully.
5 ‘Nah, just kidding,’ laughed the bush. Then it transformed into human form, and behold, it was God!
‘Jesus Christ!’ cried Moses.
6 ‘Not quite,’ replied God. ‘I’m God, the God of your father. The God of Abraham. The God of Isaac. The God of Jacob. The God of that guy Lemuel who lives next door to you.’
Moses grew self-conscious and pulled his robe over his face.
7 The Lord continued, ‘I heard the Israelites complaining about being slaves in Egypt, and I decided that rather than just freeing them, I’m going to punish the Egyptians in cruel and unusual ways!’
‘But what about the enslaved Israelites?’ entreated Moses.
8 ‘That’s the beauty of it. Eventually, Pharaoh is going to get so sick of being fucked with, he’s just going to let the Israelites go!’
‘Okay, but that sounds like overkill,’ said Moses sceptically.
9 The Lord ignored him and continued, ‘I’m going to take you to a land flowing with milk and honey; the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites.’
‘And the peoples of the land won’t mind us all coming to live there? There are thousands of us.’
10 The Lord laughed maniacally. Then he said, ‘I’ve appointed you my representative. You’re going to go and speak to Pharaoh for me.’
11 ‘I can’t talk to Pharaoh! The guy hates me!’
12 ‘Don’t worry, little buddy,’ replied God. ‘I’ll go with you. And when the Israelites are free, they can come and worship God on this mountain.’
‘Why are you referring to yourself in the third person?’
God didn’t reply.
13 So Moses asked, ‘Do you have a name or anything? Surely it can’t just be God.’
14 God replied, ‘Eh Yeh Asher Eh Yeh!’
‘That’s kind of a long name,’ remarked Moses.
‘It means, “I am but a yam”.’
‘That’s weird. Do you have a shorter name I can use?’
‘Well, you can call me Yahweh, though I’m kind of worried about people using my name willy-nilly. Though I did write a little poem about it.’
‘You write poetry?’
15 ‘Yeah,’ gushed God. ‘Listen to this:
This is my name, my very own name.
No one else has it. No one’s called the same.
So, if they ask you, “What is God called?”
Tell them I’m Yahweh, and they’ll be enthralled.’
Moses stood in stunned silence.
16 Then God commanded, ‘Go to the elders of Israel, and say to them, “Yahweh, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, told me that he’s going to set us free, 17 and we’re going to go to Canaan where the land flows with milk and honey.” 18 I’m sure they’ll listen to you.
‘Then go to Pharaoh and say, “Yahweh told us we could go and worship him in the wilderness.” 19 He’s not going to listen to you, because he’s a stubborn git, but that’s cool, because it means I get to do nasty things to him. 20 After I’ve bent him over my knee and given him a thorough smiting, he’ll let you go. 21 Oh, and get all of the Hebrews to see if they can steal some of their neighbour’s shit. 22 I’m going to need a lot of riches.’