Joseph Gives Pharaoh a Reading
Two years later, Pharaoh had a rather disturbing dream. He dreamed that he was standing by the Nile, 2 when seven bulls came charging at him. 3 He was about to leap into the river to escape them, when seven fat cows came out of nowhere, 4 gobbled up the seven bulls, and went waddling off. 5 Then he found himself in a cornfield, and seven cornstalks appeared in front of him doing the hula. 6 He was just starting to enjoy himself dancing along with the cornstalks, 7 when seven wheat stalks appeared, bent the cornstalks over, and started to have sex with them.
Pharaoh woke in a cold sweat.
8 The next morning, he was still disturbed by his weird dreams, so he sent for his magicians to perform for him and take his mind off things. But the dream still played on his mind, so he sent for his sages to interpret his dream. None of them could keep a straight face, so he sent them away.
9 So the royal cupbearer said to Pharaoh, ‘Hey, remember when you got all pissed off and sent me to jail?’
10 ‘Yes,’ replied Pharaoh, ‘because you were being a filthy pervert sticking that cup in your…’
11 ‘Yeah yeah yeah, I know,’ interrupted the cupbearer. ‘Well, anyway, while I was in prison, me and the baker had a dream on the same night, 12 so we told our dreams to this Hebrew guy, 13 and he interpreted them for us.’
14 So Pharaoh sent for Joseph, and after he had been hosed down and dressed up nicely, he was presented to Pharaoh. 15 Pharaoh said to Joseph, ‘I hear that you do this neat trick where you tell people what their dreams mean, and I just had a doozy.’
16 ‘I don’t do that anymore,’ replied Joseph. ‘I’ve really been getting into tarot cards lately, and healing chakras with crystals. From the way that you’re sitting, it looks like your perineal chakra is blocked. Can I interest you in an amethyst butt plug?’
‘Thanks, but no thanks,’ laughed Pharaoh. ‘It’s a real shame that you don’t interpret dreams anymore; I was going to appoint you as royal dream-diviner if you did. I suppose I’ll just have to throw you back in jail.’
Joseph quickly responded, ‘Wait,’ he put his fingers to his temples. ‘Hmm, yeah. I think I’ve still got some dream-divining energy left in me.’
17 So Pharaoh told Joseph his dream, and Joseph listened intently.
When he was finished, Joseph said, ‘Wow, that’s a pretty fucked up dream.’
‘Yup, I told you.’
18 ‘Well,’ Joseph began. ‘The seven fat cows represent your ex-wives.’
19 ‘Makes sense,’ replied Pharaoh. ‘I have never seen such ugly cows in all of Egypt.’
20 ‘And the seven bulls represent your divorce lawyers; they’ve been charging you too much.’
‘This is true,’ said Pharaoh nodding. ‘But why did the seven fat cows eat the bulls?’
21 Joseph replied, ‘Well, this is the reason your lawyers have been over-charging you; they’ve been sleeping with your ex-wives.’
22 ‘I see. What about the cornstalks and wheat?’
23 ‘The seven cornstalks doing the hula represent your seven dancing girls, and the wheat stalks represent your sons.’
24 ‘Let me guess, my sons have been banging my dancing girls?’
‘No, no, no,’ scolded Joseph. ‘Don’t take things so literally. Remember, when the cows ate the bulls, it represented sex.’
‘So, does that mean that sex represents eating, and my sons have eaten the dancing girls?’ cried Pharaoh.
Joseph groaned, ‘No. Your dancing girls are fine.’
Pharaoh breathed a sigh of relief.
25 Joseph continued, ‘God has revealed to Pharaoh what he is about to do. 26 You will have seven years of plenty 27 followed by seven years of dearth.’
Pharaoh declared, ‘Seven years of girth!’ He looked down at his small penis. ‘I can’t wait!
Joseph slapped his own forehead. ‘Dearth not girth!’
‘What the hell is dearth?’
‘Well, why didn’t you just say “famine”?’ screamed Pharaoh angrily.
‘Because whoever wrote this was using the King James Version of the Bible, okay?’
‘Fine,’ replied Pharaoh bitterly. ‘But what does all that have to do with my dancing girls and my sons? And why were the wheat stalks screwing the corn?’
28 ‘It’s just as I told you: God has shown you what he’s about to do. 29 There will be seven years of plenty 30 followed by seven years of famine.’
‘Okay, okay. What can I do to prepare for this?’
31 ‘In the seven years leading up to the famine, you’re going to be producing more than you need. So…’
‘We should gorge ourselves while we can!’ declared Pharaoh feeling pleased with himself.
32 ‘Jesus Christ,’ moaned Joseph. 33 ‘How the hell have you managed to run a kingdom all this time? 34 Appoint officers to oversee food production in the land and have them take a fifth of the harvest during the seven years of plenty. 35 All the food could be stored away in the cities 36 in preparation for the years of famine.’
37 This sounded like a good idea to Pharaoh, 38 so he turned to his advisors, and said, ‘This guy is pretty terrific!’
39 And to Joseph he said, ‘Since you’re so full of good ideas, I’ve decided I will take you on as one of my advisors. 40 You’ll have almost as much power as me, but I’m still the boss, so don’t get too cocky!’
41 Then he got down on one knee, and he placed his signet ring on Joseph’s finger saying, ‘Please do me the honour of becoming my chief advisor.’
Joseph welled up with tears, ‘Oh, Pharaoh! You’ve made me so happy!’
42 So Pharaoh dressed Joseph in robes of fine linen and put a gold chain around his neck. 43 He let him ride shotgun in his royal chariot and paraded him in front of all the people of Egypt.
44 ‘Now,’ said Pharaoh, ‘I’ll have to give you a respectable Egyptian name instead of that common Hebrew name.’
45 And Pharaoh named him SlipperMa-Perineum, and gave him Asenath, the daughter of Potiphera the priest of On, as a wife.
46 Joseph was thirty years old when he became Pharaoh’s chief advisor. 47 During the seven years of plenty, 48 Joseph collected some of the food produced in the land to set aside for the years of famine. Each city stored the food grown in the surrounding fields. 49 There was so much that Joseph couldn’t keep track of it, so he told Pharaoh that the stored food was ‘beyond measure’.
50 Before the famine came, Joseph got his wife pregnant, and she had two sons. 51 Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh, for he was born with the ass of a man. 52 And he named his second son Ephraim, meaning ‘fruity’, because he smelled like punch.
53 When the seven years of plenty ended, 54 the seven years of famine began, not just in Egypt, but the entire world! 55 The Egyptians cried out for food, and Pharaoh didn’t know what to do, so he called for Joseph.
Joseph told him, ‘Look, we discussed this. Why the fuck do you think we’ve been storing up all this food?’
56 So Joseph opened the storehouses, and rather than just giving the people back the grain they’d collected, he decided to sell it to them, because he knew they were desperate. 57 And people from all around the globe travelled to Egypt to buy food, including people from lands so distant that they had never heard of Egypt.