Joseph and the Sex Pest
Joseph was taken down to Egypt by the Midian… wait… oh, they’re the Ishmaelites again. Let me start again.
Joseph was taken down to Egypt by the Ishmaelites and sold to Potiphar, the captain of Pharaoh’s guard. 2 The Lord went with Joseph, but he didn’t bother to free him from slavery for some reason.
3 When Potiphar saw that the Lord was with Joseph, he asked, ‘Who’s that incorporeal guy you keep talking to?’
4 Joseph didn’t respond. Potiphar found this unusual, but he decided to make him the steward of his house anyway. 5 From that time on, the Lord would occasionally ‘bless’ Potiphar’s house with his divine urine. He also ‘blessed’ his fields, his plants, and his animals until most of what Potiphar owned smelled of ‘bless’. 6 So Potiphar spent a lot of his time out of the house, and left things in Joseph’s care.
Now Joseph was a hot piece of ass, 7 and after a while his master’s wife said, ‘Hey there, sweet cheeks. Wanna make some crazy monkey love?’
8 Joseph rebuffed her in the kindest way he could muster, saying, 9 ‘Sleeping with a hideously deformed rectum-faced abomination like you would be a sin against God!
10 Despite Joseph’s protests, Potiphar’s wife continued to make advances towards Joseph. Sometimes she’d proposition him directly, and others, she’d parade around in her negligée and just happen to need things from lower shelves so that she had to bend over. 11 Once, she even sat on his face while he was sleeping, and he woke up with a mouthful of hair pie.
12 After a month of this, she was starting to get really bitter, 13 so she waited until he was in the shower and stole his clothes. 14 Then she went to her servants and said, 15 ‘Look, Joseph took off all of his clothes and tried to rape me!’
16 When Potiphar came home, 17 she told him the same story.
18 Just then, Joseph came out of the shower wearing only a towel. 19 Potiphar saw him and grabbed him, saying, ‘What the hell, dude! How could you? I mean, she’s a heifer. Even I don’t sleep with her, and she’s my wife!’
Joseph replied, ‘What? I just got out of the shower…’
Potiphar replied, ‘No, no. The only possible explanation for my wife having your clothes, even though you live in the same house and could have taken them off for any number of reasons, is that you tried to rape her.’
20 So Joseph was thrown into prison, the place where prisoners were imprisoned in prison cells. And while Joseph was in prison, the Lord was with him, for he had been caught doing unholy thing with Nephthys, and Set caught them at it.
21 While he was in prison, Joseph sucked up to the prison warden, 22 so he was made a snitch and kept tabs on the other prisoners. 23 In return, Joseph was given special privileges like not being chained upside-down on the wall, and only being whipped every other day.