MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Gospels > Cruci-Fiction

Jesus Gets Nailed!

Matthew 27:33-66, Mark 15:22-47, Luke 23:33-56, John 19:18-42

When they reached Golgotha (aka Calvary, aka Skull Island), the Roman soldiers offered Jesus some wine, but upon tasting it he spat it out because he preferred his own blood. This really offended them, so they stripped off his clothes and left him in tattered rags.

They laid him on the cross and hammered nails through his hands and feet. Then they bound him tightly with ropes because nails alone would never hold his weight. They put a sign above his head, which simultaneously read, ‘This is Jesus, the King of the Jews’, ‘The King of the Jews’, and ‘Jesus of Nazareth, the King of the Jews’.

As they erected the cross, Jesus looked to his left. There was a thief being crucified along with him. When he looked to his right, he was astonished to see a giant pink bunny. ‘What are you in for?’ he asked the rabbit.

The bunny glanced over at him and sobbed, ‘I was caught laying chocolate eggs around the temple. I thought they’d enjoy hunting for them and having a tasty treat!’

‘Verily, I say unto you,’ said Jesus, ‘your sacrifice will not be forgotten. Every spring, people will colour eggs and eat chocolate in remembrance of you.’

‘Fat lot of good that will do me!’ grumbled the bunny.

Soon, a group of people had assembled and were hurling rotten tomatoes at Jesus. One yelled out, ‘Call yourself the son of God? You look like a little bitch to me! If you had any real power, you’d be able to come down off that cross!’

So, Jesus climbed down from his cross, slapped the man across the face, and climbed back up.

‘Well,’ sighed the man, ‘I guess that shows me…’

The thief who was being crucified with him exclaimed, ‘What? You could get down this whole time! Why don’t you free me, you prick?’

Jesus just turned away.

At noon, darkness fell upon the land, which lasted until 3 o’clock when Jesus cried out in a loud voice, ‘Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?’ (which means ‘My God, my God, I guess I’m really fucked!’

‘He’s calling for Elijah!’ declared one man.

‘No,’ retorted another, ‘he’s saying, “Father into your hands, I commend my spirit!”’

‘You idiots!’ sneered another. ‘He’s saying he’s thirsty.’ So, he put a sponge on a stick, filled it with vinegar and offered Jesus a drink.

Jesus spat the vinegar out and spluttered, ‘Ergh! That’s worse than the Roman wine!’

Dejected, the man took the sponge away, and walked off muttering, ‘Fine! Good luck getting Elijah to save you, you ungrateful shit!’

Suddenly, the earth shook, the rocks split open, and the curtain of the temple tore in two. Jesus cried out in a loud voice, ‘Argh!!! I’m finished!’

‘What?’ asked the bunny. ‘You’re dying already?’

‘No,’ sighed Jesus, ‘torture really gets me off. I just “gave up the ghost” all over myself.’

‘Eww!’ grimaced the bunny.

‘Oh, no, wait a second,’ said Jesus. And he died.

And the Lord smelled the sweet savour.

Meanwhile, in the local cemetery, the corpses began to claw their way out of their graves. They struggled to the surface, formed an orderly line, and marched off through Jerusalem in search of brains!

When the centurion and those with him saw the zombies, they were terrified and exclaimed, ‘Son of a bitch!’

This was a chilling a portent of what was to come.

When the Roman soldiers realised that Jesus was dead, they decided to take his body down so that it wouldn’t start to smell.

‘Are you absolutely sure he’s dead?’ asked the centurion.

‘Well,’ replied one of the soldiers, ‘he’s not moving.’

‘Try breaking his legs,’ ordered the centurion. ‘If he’s alive, he’ll soon let us know.’

So, the soldier took a mallet and broke Jesus’s legs. Then he turned to the centurion and said, ‘See?’

‘Hmm, I’m still not convinced. Try poking him with a stick.’

‘But all I have is this spear!’ objected the soldier.

‘Even better,’ cheered the centurion. ‘He’s bound to respond to that!’

So, the soldier pierced Jesus’s side with a spear, bringing forth a flow of wine. ‘Quick!’ he cried. ‘Fetch a glass!’

‘You want to drink the blood of Jesus?’ spat the centurion. ‘Next you’ll be eating his body! Just bring him down from the cross, you weirdo!’

Later that day, Joseph of Arimathea, a member of the Sanhedrin, went to Pilate to ask for Jesus’s body.

‘What do you plan to do with it?’ asked Pilate.

‘What don’t I plan to do with it?’ he laughed, dragging the corpse away.

He took the body to his friend, Colonel Nicodemus Sanders, who anointed it with his secret recipe of eleven herbs and spices and rolled it in breadcrumbs. Then they took Jesus to Joseph’s tomb and rolled a rock over the entrance.

The next day, the chief priests and the Pharisees went to Pilate, and said, ‘Maybe you should put some guards outside the tomb.’

‘Why?’ asked Pilate sceptically.

‘Well, he said he’d rise again after three days!’

‘Don’t be stupid!’ retorted Pilate. ‘Who’d be foolish enough to believe that a man could return from the dead?’

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