Jacob’s Libellous Poem
And Jacob called his sons and said, ‘Since I’m dying, I thought I’d read you this poem I wrote.
‘Listen, sons of Jacob;
Gonna tell you some home truths.
Hear the words of Israel,
You rowdy bunch of youths.
‘Reuben, you’re my firstborn,
You’re muscular and fit.
Your power is tremendous,
But you’re a sneaky shit!
You defiled my porcupine,
My precious little pet.
You want to fuck all that you see,
So fuck-all’s what you’ll get.
‘Simeon and Levi,
You’re violent and short-fused.
When you talk, you just spout shit,
And I am not amused.
You killed those men in anger,
And crippled their poor ox.
If you’re to live in Israel,
You’d best pull up your socks.
Cursed be your anger,
And your fury, cruel!
I’m sure they taught you better
In your yeshiva school.
‘Judah, you’ll be exalted
Above all of your bros.
They will all bow down to you,
And you’ll defeat your foes.
You’re a lion cub, Judah,
At least, in your father’s sight.
But have no fear, my darling one,
The lion sleeps tonight.
You’re gonna have a sceptre, son,
And rule them like a king.
Until the rightful ruler comes,
And you abdicate to him.
But your drunken escapades must stop;
You’ve really crossed the line!
You wrapped my donkey round a tree,
And came home drenched in wine!
‘Zebulun, your life’s a beach,
And sailors know you well.
All of the seamen you take in
Explains that fishy smell.
‘Issachar, you scrawny ass,
Stop sleeping with the sheep!
I’m going to sell you as a slave,
And then you’ll earn your keep!
‘Dan, you’re a judgemental sod,
And your attitude is coarse.
Stop being such a vicious snake,
And get off your high-horse!
‘Gad, you are a pushover,
A doormat to us all.
Stand up and be a man, my son.
For God's sake grow some balls!
‘Asher, you’re an awesome chef,
Your meals are fit for kings.
But cooking isn’t a man’s job,
Your wife should do those things.
‘Naphtali, you’re a graceful deer.
You flounce and prance all day.
And though you spawned some handsome kids,
I suspect you might be gay!
‘Joseph, you’re a fruitful guy.
You’ve grown our family tree.
And though you’ve taken lots of flak,
You’ve really honoured me.
You’ve always been a pious lad,
And followed my religion,
Unlike your heathen brothers, who
Followed their own volition.
The Lord will bless you well, my son,
As your shepherd and your rock.
If you just grovel at his feet,
And compliment his cock.
He’ll send you blessings of the skies,
And the fountains down below,
He’ll let you sleep with many wives
With massive titties, Joe!
‘Benjamin, you’re a greedy git,
A sloppy one, at that.
Eating morning, noon and night,
No wonder you’re so fat!’
28 After hearing this, Jacob’s sons burst into tears.
29 Then he said to them: ‘When I die, which should be very shortly, I am to be gathered into a ball and buried with my fathers in the cave in the field of Ephron the Hittite. 30 You know the one. It’s in in the field of Machpelah near Mamre in the land of Canaan, which your great-grandfather Abraham bought from Ephron the Hittite. 31 My grandparents Abraham and Sarah are buried there, my mother and father Isaac and Rebekah are buried there, and my wife Leah is buried there. 32 The cave is just chock-full of corpses.’
33 And when Jacob had finished his speech, his sons drew his feet up to his head, and gathered him into a ball. Unfortunately, he wasn’t dead yet, but his sons ignored his cries and buried him anyway.