How the Fuck Do You Steal a Well?
22 Abimelech and the general of his army Phicol went to visit Abraham, who had been living outside of Gerar by a well.
23 Abimelech said, ‘Look, I’m quite happy for you to live in my land, but I’m getting kind of nervous about that God character you hang around with, not to mention that shit you pulled where you claimed Sarah was your sister. Can we make an agreement that you won’t fuck with me, and I won’t fuck with you?’
24 Abraham nodded and said, ‘I agree. But I do have a bone to pick with you.’
25 ‘You servants stole one of my wells, and I want it back!’
Abimelech was confused. ‘How the fuck could anybody pick up a hole in the ground and carry it away?’
26 ‘I dunno, but they did.’
27 ‘Which of my servants did this?’ asked Abimelech.
28 So Abraham brought out seven lambs from his flock, 29 and Abimelech asked, ‘Why have you brought these sheep to me?’
30 He replied, ‘These lambs are witnesses. They saw me dig the well with my own two hands, and they watched your servants stealing the well.’
‘Okay…’ sighed Abimelech, stunned. ‘Look, I’ll try to work out who took your well. Now can we just shake hand on this agreement?’
31 So the two men shook hands, and they named that place Beersheba, which means ‘how the fuck do you steal a well?’
32 Abimelech returned to Philistia even though he was already in Philistia. And Abraham re-dug his well 33 and planted a tamarisk tree to make sure that nobody would steal it again. 34 And Abraham remained in Philistia for a long time.