Great Balls of Fire!
13 Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘Now it’s time to step things up a gear!’
This filled Moses with a sense of dread. ‘How?’ he stuttered.
14 ‘Tomorrow morning, I want you to confront Pharaoh, and tell him, “The God of Hebrews says, ‘If you don’t let my people go to so that they can worship me, shit is going to get serious! 15 You know, I could have used my awesome God powers and wiped you and the Egyptians from the face of the Earth with a click of my fingers, but I didn’t. 16 No, I decided to make an example of you, to essentially make you my bitch. 17 Nothing personal, but I needed someone to punish so that I could show off and convince the Hebrews to worship me again.’”’
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake!’ exclaimed Moses. ‘You’re still bloody doing it!’
‘Doing what?’ asked the Lord.
‘You’re fucking about with Pharaoh just to prove a point to the Israelites, instead of simply freeing them!’
‘But they’re not worshipping me,’ whimpered the Lord.
‘I don’t care!’ spat Moses. ‘I know Pharaoh has them enslaved, but these plagues are getting out of hand.’
‘But… I’m not getting any barbecued animals…’ sobbed the Lord.
‘You can have plenty of barbecues when you free the Israelites.’
The Lord tried to collect himself. ‘I know,’ he said sullenly, ‘but I still have all of this pent-up wrath… Can’t I do just a few more plagues?’
‘How many is a few?’
‘Well,’ said the Lord cheerily, ‘I was going to do a hailstorm of fire and brimstone. Then I thought I might send in some more insects. I also thought about turning people inside out,’ he giggled. ‘That would be hilarious! Maybe some darkness so that they end up bumping into each other and shit. Giving them all the shits, making their hair fall out, killing a bunch of them, impotence…’
‘Stop!’ interrupted Moses. ‘You can do one more.’
‘One!’ cried the Lord. ‘I can’t pick just one! How about eight?’
‘Aww, come on!’ pouted the Lord. ‘Seven?’
‘Four,’ said Moses. ‘Final offer.’
‘Five!’ argued the Lord.
‘Nope, I’m sticking at four!’
‘Fine!’ huffed the Lord. ‘Now will you go and threaten Pharaoh?’
‘Which plague are you planning to do?’
18 ‘Erm… I was going to do the fiery hail.’
‘What about the Israelites?’
19 ‘Oh, just tell them to stay indoors; they’ll be fine,’ reassured the Lord.
20 Now, of all the plagues they’d been threatened with so far, the plague of hail scared the Egyptians most, so some of them decided it would be a sensible precaution to bring their livestock (which were alive despite being killed by a previous plague) and slaves indoors, lest they be smitten. 21 However, others, who were apparently unconvinced of God’s power by the previous plagues, left theirs out in the open.
22 Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘Stretch your hand to the sky in a dramatic fashion! This is going to be awesome!’
23 So, Moses raised his hands, and the wind picked up and the clouds erupted with thunder and lightning. And he lowered them again, and the storm stopped. He giggled to himself. Then he raised his staff partway, and declared, ‘By the power of Grayskull,’ he thrust his staff into the air and bellowed, ‘I have the power!’
Just then, a bolt of lightning struck behind him, and sound of thunder roared through the air.
‘Awesome!’ laughed Moses.
24 The storm clouds swirled around his head, and the land grew dark. The Egyptians ran screaming in the streets as fiery hailstones the size of watermelons began hurtling from the sky. 25 Some were squished upon impact, whilst others were incinerated by the molten debris. One particularly cocky man was dodging each and every hailstone that was volleyed at him and was mooning the sky in defiance.
Seeing this, the Lord took aim with his celestial catapult, and landed a shot squarely in the man’s face. As the man’s head exploded like a grape, the Lord cackled maniacally.
Several projectiles landed in cornfields, setting the crops on fire, and the trees were stripped of their foliage. 26 Meanwhile, the Israelites in Goshen were unaffected.
27 Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron to his palace. ‘Erm…’ he said awkwardly. ‘I think I might have screwed up.’
‘You think?’ exclaimed Aaron.
28 ‘Look, just pray to the Lord and ask him to stop the hail!’ cried Pharaoh. ‘I’ve learned my lesson.’
29 Moses sighed knowing that the Lord still planned to inflict three more plagues, but he played along saying, ‘Yeah, I’ll pray to the Lord as soon as I leave the city,’ 30 and then under his breath, ‘fat lot of good it’ll do though.’
31 ‘What was that?’ asked Pharaoh.
33 So, Moses and Aaron left the palace, and Moses went out to the wilderness. 34 He raised his hands to the sky, and the storm stopped. 35 Predictably, as soon as the plague had ceased, Pharaoh’s heart was hardened, and he refused to let the Israelites go.