For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12

God's Bang List

Leviticus 18

The Lord told Moses, 2 ‘Now, I’ve noticed that some of the Israelites have been doing filthy things in the bedroom.’

‘Yeah,’ replied Moses. ‘Sex is fun, especially when it’s kinky.’

3 ‘No,’ huffed the Lord, ‘they’ve been screwing people they shouldn’t! You’ve probably picked up some filthy habits from those bloody Egyptians! So, I’ve compiled a list of who you can’t bang. 4 And you have to do as I say, because I’m God!’

‘Oh, fair enough.’

5 The Lord grew stern. ‘And if you don’t do as I say, I’ll kill you because I am God!’

‘Okay, okay, I got it!’

6 ‘First and foremost, here’s a list of close relatives you can’t sleep with.

7 ‘Don’t fuck your mother 8 or your step-mother.

9 ‘Don’t fuck your sister or half-sister.’

Moses interrupted, ‘Wait, wasn’t Abraham’s wife Sarah his half-sister?’

‘Yes, but that was different! Are you telling me that you want to bang your sister?’

‘No, of course not! And how was it different for Abraham and Sarah?’

‘You are, aren’t you?’ objected the Lord. ‘You want to bang Miriam!’

‘No!’ whined Moses.

‘Well, you better fucking not! 10 Anyway, don’t fuck your granddaughter.

11 I can’t believe you want to bone your sister...’

‘I bloody don’t!’ squealed Moses.

12 ‘Don’t fuck your aunt 13 on your father or mother’s side, 14 even your aunt by marriage.’

‘Erm... my mother was my father’s aunt...’

‘No wonder you want to fuck your sister!’

‘Seriously, I don’t!’ whinged Moses.

15 ‘Don’t fuck your brother’s wife 16 or your daughter in law. 17 Now onto threesomes.

‘Don’t fuck a mother and daughter or a grandmother and granddaughter.

18 ‘Don’t fuck your wife’s sister.’

Moses sighed and said, ‘But Jacob married both Rachel and Leah, and they were sisters.’

The Lord eyed him scrupulously and rebuked, ‘You really have a kink for this sister thing, don’t you?’

‘Jesus Christ!’ screamed Moses.

19 ‘Don’t sleep with a woman on her period.’

‘Aww, come on, that’s obvious! Everyone knows that’s just icky!’

‘But you’re okay with railing your sister?’


20 ‘Don’t fuck your neighbour’s wife.

21 ‘Don’t sacrifice your kids to Molech.’

‘Wait, what’s that got to do with sex?’

‘Oops, wrong list. I’ll get back to that one later.

22 ‘Don’t sleep with men, because that’s gay.

23 ‘Don’t sleep with animals; 24 that goes for women too.

24 ‘Sex with these people will defile you, 25 just as having stinking foreigners in your land defiles it! 26 But if you do end up with any foreigners in the land, they have to abide by these laws too, 27 otherwise the land will become even more defiled! 28 Plus, I’ll vomit, and you really don’t want to see what happens when it starts raining God chunks! 29 Anyone who boffs one of the people on this list will be cut off from their people!’

‘Erm... what about sex with your daughter?’ asked Moses.

‘What about it?’

‘You didn’t prohibit it.’


‘Well, surely that’s a sin?’ objected Moses.

‘No, that’s perfectly fine! Daughters are their father’s property! I mean, Lot banged his daughters, and that turned out okay.’

‘But, Lord! That wasn’t even consensual!’

‘Yeah, they got him drunk, which was utterly depraved of them!’

‘But he roofied his younger daughter!’ wailed Moses. ‘Haven’t you read The MisreadBible: Genesis ?’

‘That Eldridge is a no-talent hack!’ spat the Lord. ‘To think that somebody would sit and twist the word of God! It’s unconscionable! 30 Now, do as I say, and don’t defile yourself, because I am God!’ and with that, he vanished.

‘Ergh...’ groaned Moses to himself. ‘How the hell am I going to tell Miriam that we can’t see each other anymore...’

‘I heard that!’ yelled God.

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