The Fowl Stench of Betrayal
Now Isaac was old and blind, but he had an excellent sense of smell. One day, he called out, ‘Esau? Is that you? I’m sure I can smell you around here somewhere.’
‘Here I am,’ answered Esau.
‘Thank fuck for that!’ replied Isaac. ‘I was scared that a bear that had just finished having anal sex with a skunk had wandered in.’
2 ‘Anyway, as you know, I am very old now, so I might drop dead any second.’
‘I know. I know,’ moaned Esau. ‘You’ve been saying this for the last ten years…’
3 Isaac continued, ‘Barbecue me some pheasant otherwise I won’t give you my blessing before I die.’
4 ‘Jesus, Dad!’ cried Esau. ‘You don’t have to be so dramatic! You know I’m always willing to cook for you.’
So, Esau ran off to get his bow and quiver of arrows so that he could hunt a pheasant for his father.
5 Meanwhile, Rebekah had been listening to the exchange behind the door, and she concocted a fiendish scheme. 6 She called to Jacob, ‘Listen, I just overheard your father telling Esau that he’ll bless him if he cooks him some pheasant. 7 I’ve just thought of a way you can get the blessing in his place.’
8 Jacob replied, ‘But Esau is a malodourous sasquatch! Dad’s gonna know.’
9 ‘Ah, but that’s where my cunning plan comes into play,’ smirked Rebekah. 10 ‘Go and skin two goats and a skunk, and bring me some manure. 11 We’ll make you an Esau suit to fool your father. 12 While you’re away, I’ll cook one of the pheasants I’ve got stashed in the basement for special occasions.’
13 ‘This sounds more needlessly convoluted than cunning…’
‘Just go!’ rebuked Rebekah.
14 So Jacob went out to collect the animals his mother requested, and Rebekah set about cooking the pheasant.
15 Fifteen minutes later, Jacob returned and called to his mother, ‘Hey, I found a better solution!’
16 Rebekah looked up from her cooking and screamed. Jacob was wearing Esau’s skin!
‘Holy shit!’ she exclaimed. ‘What the fuck did you do? I only wanted you to steal his blessing, not kill him!’
‘Oh, he’ll be fine,’ said Jacob nonchalantly.
17 ‘Look, just take this to your father!’ She placed a plate of barbecued pheasant in his hand. ‘I’ll go bury your brother.’
18 Jacob took the meal in to his father, and said, ‘Hi, Dad.’
‘Esau, is that you?’ groaned Isaac.
19 ‘Yes, thir,’ replied Jacob. ‘It’th me. I did what you athked. Bleth me!’
‘Since when did you have a lisp?’ asked Isaac suspiciously.
Jacob spat. ‘Sorry, I had a hair in my mouth.’
20 ‘Oh, okay… How did you find a pheasant so quickly?’
‘Oh, well, I prayed to the Lord, and a pheasant just fell out of the sky.’
21 ‘Fair enough,’ replied Isaac, his suspicions allayed. ‘Now come let me run my hands over that manly hairy chest of yours.’
23 ‘Hey! You’ve never complained before! Are you sure you’re Esau?’
24 So Jacob took his father’s hand and placed them on his/Esau’s chest. Isaac caressed his chest and started purring like a kitten. Jacob cringed, but he said nothing.
Then Isaac stopped and said, ‘Hey, you know what would be great right now?’
Jacob was too petrified to ask.
25 Isaac continued, ‘Why don’t you barbecue me some pheasant?’
‘Er… but I already have,’ replied Jacob putting the meal into his father’s hands.
26 So Isaac scoffed down the meal, burped, and lay back with a sigh. Then he said, ‘Kiss me.’
27 Jacob hesitated for a second then took a deep breath and gave Isaac a long passionate smooch.
‘Wow!’ exclaimed Isaac. ‘I just meant a peck on the cheek. But that was… Wow!’
Jacob shifted his weight awkwardly. Suddenly, Isaac began to sing:
‘Mmm, the smell of my son is so earthy and musky.
He’s furry and warm just like a big husky.
Remember the time when God’s dew fell from heaven?
You danced in its stream. Well, you were only 7.
You smiled, and you asked me, “Hey, Dad. Why’s it yellow?”
When I gave you the answer, you were one angry fellow.
Let me tell you, the affair was distressing.
Anyway, I digress. I should give you your blessing.
May nations serve you, and the people bow down.
May your brother praise you. You’ll boss him around!
May everyone who curses you, find themselves cursed.
And anyone who blesses you, find themselves… blursed?’
30 After Isaac had finished blessing him, Jacob was really creeped out, so he scarpered. 31 Just then, Esau burst into the room, his whole body dripping with blood.
32 ‘Who the fuck are you?’ declared Isaac.
‘It’s me. Esau.’
33 ‘But… you can’t be,’ whimpered Isaac trembling. ‘Esau just left!’
34 ‘No, you old fool!’ spat Esau. ‘That was Jacob in disguise!’
Isaac was growing agitated. ‘If you’re really Esau, let me feel your chest!’
Esau drew close, and Isaac squelched his hands over his oozing connective tissue and exposed muscles.
35 ‘You’re not Esau!’ snapped Isaac. ‘You feel all smooth just like Jacob! But what have you been bathing in son? You feel like your mother’s pussy on one of her no-no days!’
36 ‘Curse that Jacob! First, he steals my birthmark, now he’s stolen my blessing! Please, father. Don’t you have a blessing for me?’
37 ‘But I already gave Esau all the good stuff.’
38 Esau began to weep uncontrollably. Then he slipped in his own bodily fluids and crashed to the floor like a sack of meat.
39 Isaac heard him snivelling in the corner, so he recited this blessing:
‘You’re going to be poor and live in a hovel.
To keep yourself fed, you’re going to have to grovel.
You’ll live by the sword; always in battle,
And wear your brother’s yoke just like one of his cattle.
But don’t worry, son. I’m sure you’ll do fine.
Now leave me to rest, you irritating swine!’
41 ‘That’s not much of a blessing!’ wailed Esau.
Isaac shot a dirty look in his general direction. Esau skated out of the room on a trail of blood yelling, ‘You may have won this round, Jacob. But our father will die soon, and when he does, I will have my revenge! Mu ha ha ha ha!’
42 Rebekah had been conveniently lurking outside the door, and she heard Esau swearing his vengeance. 43 So, she called for Jacob and said, ‘Esau is really pissed off at you for what you did. He’ll kill you if he gets a hold of you! 44 Go stay with your uncle Laban in Haran. 45 Esau hates him, so he’ll never look for you there! Leave now!’
So, Jacob mounted a horse and rode off to Haran.