The Feast of Bread Without Yeast [draft]
The Lord called Aaron to join Moses and him, and he told them, ‘By the way, I thought that now would be a good time to discuss the calendar.’
‘The calendar?’ exclaimed Moses. ‘We’re supposed to be making our final push for freedom, and you want to talk about the bloody calendar?’
2 ‘Yeah,’ cried the Lord indignantly. ‘I want today to be the first day of your year.’
‘Can’t we discuss this when we’re free?’ moaned Moses. ‘I’ll even make you a pretty calendar with pictures.’
3 ‘Aww, that’ll be nice,’ smiled the Lord. ‘So, on the tenth day of this month, every man will go and get a lamb for his family. 4 If it’s a small family, they can get a small lamb, and if it’s a big family, they can have a big lamb. Basically, the size of the lamb will be relative to the size of the family.’
Moses looked on in astonishment.
The Lord continued, ‘You know what? If they’re a really small family, they might want to share a lamb with their neighbours. In fact, it could be a baby goat rather than a lamb…’
‘A kid,’ corrected Aaron.
‘A baby goat is called a kid.’
5 ‘Well, anyway, as long as it’s a baby, it’s male, and it doesn’t have any kind of defect or icky oozing boils or whatever. So, each family will care for their little lamb for four days, brush its fleece, give it baths, feed it treats. You know, pamper it…’
‘This is all very sweet,’ interrupted Moses, ‘but what the hell has this got to do with anything?’
6 ‘Well,’ replied the Lord, ‘On the fourteenth day, everyone will kill their lamb, 7 and they’ll take its blood and smear it all over the lintels of their doors and windows.’
‘That escalated quickly,’ sighed Moses.
8 ‘And they’ll take the dead lamb and cook it. 9 Don’t chop it up or anything, just toss it on the barbecue.’
‘What about some mint sauce for the lamb?’ suggested Aaron.
‘No, not mint sauce,’ replied the Lord. ‘How about some bitter herbs?’
‘That could work. We’d have to have a side dish…’
‘Erm… more meat?’
‘It can’t be all meat!’ objected Aaron. ‘What about a salad?’
‘I hate salad!’ snorted the Lord.
‘Okay… We could make some bread.’
10 ‘That’s a good idea, but it can’t have any yeast in it. I hate that frigging stuff!’
‘What’s wrong with yeast?’
11 ‘It just pisses me off!’ snapped the Lord. ‘In fact, before this feast, I want everyone to remove any trace of yeast from their houses, and for a whole week starting on the 14th , they’ll have to eat bread without yeast. 12 Anyone who eats anything with yeast in it will be cut off from his people!’
‘But the bread will be flat!’ protested Aaron.
13 ‘As it should be! Also, I want everyone to wear a belt and sandals, and to be holding a staff while they eat.’
Moses, who had been growing angrier as the discussion progressed, yelled, ‘This is getting ridiculous!’
‘Yeah,’ said Aaron. ‘How can I eat and hold a staff at the same time?’
‘Well...’ began the Lord.
‘No, stop it!’ screamed Moses. ‘Why the fuck are you talking about a feast? What about us getting free?’
14 ‘I was getting to that!’ boomed the Lord. ‘On the same night as the lamb feast, I’ll bring the plague. 15 And remember the lamb’s blood that I want you to put on your doorframes?’
‘Yeah…?’ replied Moses.
16 ‘That will show me who is a Hebrew and who isn’t, and I’ll kill the firstborn, both man and beast, of anyone who isn’t Hebrew.’
‘But you’re omniscient! You can tell who is Hebrew without their doorway being marked.’
17 ‘But I want this to be a meaningful tradition!’ wailed the Lord. 18 ‘I want there to be a reason for people to do this each year, and to pass it on generation after generation. 19 It will be called the Feast of Bread Without Yeast!’
‘You really do hate yeast, don’t you?’ remarked Aaron.
‘Don’t you think people will remember it as the day they were freed from Egypt?’ argued Moses, ‘Or the day when the Lord passed over Egypt killing people?’
‘Wait, what did you say?’ asked the Lord.
‘People will remember being freed?’
‘No, the other thing.’
‘The day when the Lord passed over…’
20 ‘Yes!’ interrupted the Lord. ‘We’ll call it, Passover!’
‘Great…’ moaned Moses. ‘Now that you have a name, are you going to hurry up with the last plague so that we can get out of here?’
‘No, it’s only the first of the month. The plague won’t happen until the 15th .’
‘Ergh!’ groaned Moses, storming off.