Abram left Egypt and went to Negev taking everything he had with him, and he had a lot; 2 duping Pharaoh had made him a very wealthy man. 3 From there, he went to Bethel 4 where he had built his first altar. Again, he called out to the Lord, but he got no reply.
5 Now Abram’s nephew Lot had been travelling with Abram this whole time, and he’d also amassed a lot of stuff on his journeys, including slaves. 6 They’d been walking almost nonstop, and tempers had begun to fray. 7 Not only were Abram’s herdsmen bickering with Lot’s herdsmen, but Lot had spent the entire journey asking, ‘are we there yet? Are we there yet?’ and kicking the back of Abram’s donkey.
8 So Abram scolded Lot, ‘I’m sick of you, you whiny little git! 9 If you go east, I’ll go west. We’ll draw a line down the middle of the land, and I won’t have to look at your stupid face again!’
10 ‘Fine!’ sobbed Lot, wiping a tear from his eye.
Lot looked out over the plain of the Jordan River to Zoar. 11 It looked like a nice fertile land, so he decided to take his shit and live there. 12 He settled near Sodom, which was a well-known party town famous for its beer, casinos, and whore houses. 13 Meanwhile, Abram remained in Canaan.
14 The Lord said to Abram, 15 ‘Look around, to the north and south, to the east and west. 16 I will spread your offspring around the land like dust.’
‘You’re going to blow them up!’ squealed Abram.
17 ‘No, you idiot!’ snapped the Lord. ‘I am giving you the land.’
‘Ooh, goody!’ cheered Abram. He was so delighted, he decided to build the Lord another altar near the trees of Mamre in Hebron.