The Fall of Man: or Much Ado about Apples!
Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field, and it had the power of speech for some reason. Not only that, but it was created with a full understanding of how magical fruit trees work, and a predilection for pointing out when God is talking bullshit.
He said to the woman, ‘You know, God said you can eat from any tree in the garden.’
2 The woman replied, 3 ‘Yeah, except for the Tree of Knowledge, because it will kill us.’
4 ‘That fucking liar!’ replied the serpent. 5 ‘Haven’t you wondered why he called it the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil? If you eat from it, you’ll know the difference between right and wrong, just like the gods!’
6 Now the woman, who at this point didn’t have any concept of right or wrong, thought the serpent made a good point, so seeing that the fruit of the tree was good for food, she picked some, and placed it to her mouth. No sooner had she taken a bite than the fruit sprouted a little mouth and whispered, ‘you’re naked.’
Startled, the woman handed her husband some fruit, and he too ate some. 7 Noticing the weird leery way the serpent was eyeing his wife, the man licked some fig leaves and stuck them over the woman’s boobs and vagina.
The woman asked her husband, ‘Why did you do that?’
He replied, ‘I’m covering up the offensive parts.’
So, the woman took a fig leaf, licked it, and stuck it over the man’s face.
8 Then the man and his wife heard the Lord God as he walked in the garden, and they hid among the trees of the garden.
9 And the Lord God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’
10 He answered, ‘Hey, that’s cheating.’
And the Lord God replied, ‘Ha ha, I found you!’
11 Then the Lord God noticed the apple cores on the ground, and he said, ‘Did you eat one of my apples?’
12 The man said, ‘The woman made me do it!’
13 The woman said, ‘The serpent made me do it!’
And the serpent said, ‘The dinosaur made me do it!’
So, the Lord God killed all the dinosaurs and buried their bones so far underground that it would appear that they’d died millions of years in the past.
14 Then Lord God said to the serpent, ‘Because you have done this, I’m revoking your walking privileges.’
And poof! The serpent’s legs fell off.
‘Now slither off and eat dirt! 15 Oh, and try not to get trampled on.’
16 To the woman he said, ‘Now to punish you, I’m going to make labour pains agonising and turn your husband into a misogynist!’
17 By the time he got to the man, the Lord God was running out of ideas, so he said, ‘Because you listened to your wife, I’m going to… erm… make the ground difficult to work, and… 18 make loads of spiky plants so that you can prick yourself. Yeah! Have fun getting all prickled and shit. 19 Oh, and you can’t eat from my magical Tree of Life either!’
20 The man said to his wife, ‘You know, it’s pretty weird to keep calling out “the woman” during sex. Maybe I should give you a name.’
The woman replied, ‘What do you have in mind?’
‘How about Steve?’
‘That’s a man’s name!’
‘Okay,’ replied the man, ‘how about Eve?’
And Eve replied, ‘Oh, that’s kind of pretty. I’ll call you Adam.’
‘Hebrew for “man”? How fucking original!’
21 And with a flick of his wrist, the Lord skinned several animals alive and fashioned their skins into fur coats for Adam and Eve, complete with matching fur hats, mittens, and boots.
22 And the Lord God said, ‘The humans are now like one of us (for there were several gods, but we’re not allowed to talk about them), knowing good and evil. If he eats from the Tree of Life I made, for reasons I will keep to myself, he will live for ever.’
23 So the Lord God picked up Adam and Eve and tossed them out of the Garden of Eden. 24 Then he put cherubim, which are these gnarly-looking super angels, and a giant flaming sword in front of the Garden of Eden to guard the Tree of Life. The cherubim and flaming sword remain there to this day, but, oddly, haven’t shown up on any satellite photos.