The Fall of Man: or Much Ado about Apples!
Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field, and it had the power of speech for some reason. Not only that, but it was created with a full understanding of how magical fruit trees work, and a predilection for pointing out when God is talking bullshit.
One day, he was slithering along, when he met up with the woman. ‘Hi, woman,’ he said warmly.
‘Oh, hi, talking snake,’ she replied.
2 ‘So, I’ve heard that God told that you can eat from any tree in the garden. Is that true?’
3 ‘Well, yeah, except for the Tree of Knowledge. God told us it will kill us.’
4 ‘That fucking liar!’ hissed the serpent. ‘Haven’t you wondered why he called it the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil?’
‘Not really. I’m still getting used to having arms and legs instead of just being a bone.’
5 ‘Look. I’ll let you in on a little secret. The Tree of Knowledge isn’t poisonous - I can’t believe he lied to you about that - if you eat its fruit, all that’ll happen is that you’ll know the difference between right and wrong.’
‘Really?’ gasped the woman.
‘Yeah. I honestly don’t see why he’d have made it and stuck it right here in the garden where you can reach it, if he didn’t intend for you to eat from it.’
6 Now the woman thought that the serpent made a persuasive point, and she couldn’t see the harm in disobeying God; she had no concept of right and wrong after all. So, she decided to go and take a look at the Tree of Knowledge.
When she saw that the fruit was ripe and smelled its sweet aroma, she picked some, and placed it to her mouth. No sooner had she taken a bite than the fruit sprouted a little mouth and whispered, ‘you’re naked.’
7 Startled, the woman handed her husband the fruit, and he took a bite too. Suddenly, he became aware of the leery way the serpent was eyeing his wife, so he picked some fig leaves, licked them, and stuck them over the woman’s boobs and vagina.
Taken aback, the woman asked her husband, ‘Why did you do that?’
‘I’m covering up the offensive parts,’ he replied.
So, the woman took a fig leaf, licked it, and stuck it over her husband’s face.
8 Just then, they heard the Lord God taking his afternoon stroll in the garden, and they were struck with pangs of guilt. They grew fearful and jumped into a nearby bush to hide.
9 The Lord God called out to the man, ‘Little man, where are you?’
10 The man forgot himself, and called back, ‘Hey, that’s cheating!’
‘Ha ha, I found you!’ laughed the Lord God.
11 Then the Lord God noticed the apple cores on the ground, and he realised something was wrong. ‘Did you eat one of my apples?’ he asked sternly.
12 The man panicked and stuttered, ‘The woman made me do it!’
13 The woman cried, ‘The serpent made me do it!’
And the serpent hissed, ‘The dinosaur made me do it!’
‘Those bastards!’ bellowed the Lord God, and he killed all the dinosaurs and buried their bones so far underground that it would appear that they’d died millions of years in the past.
14 Then Lord God turned to the serpent and scolded, ‘Because you have done this, I’m revoking your walking privileges!’ And poof! The serpent’s legs fell off. 15 ‘Now slither off and eat dirt! Oh, and try not to get trampled on.’
16 He then turned to the woman and declared, ‘Now to punish you, I’m going to make labour pains agonising and turn your husband into a misogynist!’
17 By the time he got to the man, the Lord God was running out of ideas, so he muttered, ‘Because you listened to your wife, I’m going to… erm… make the ground difficult to work, and… 18 make loads of spiky plants so that you can prick yourself. Yeah! Have fun getting all prickled and shit. 19 Oh, and you can’t eat from my magical Tree of Life either!’
20 Later that day, the man said to his wife, ‘You know, it’s pretty weird to keep calling out “the woman” during sex. Maybe I should give you a name.’
‘What do you have in mind?’ she replied.
‘How about Steve?’ suggested the man.
‘That’s a man’s name!’
‘Okay,’ snorted the man. ‘How about Eve?’
‘Oh, that’s kind of pretty. I’ll call you Adam.’
‘Hebrew for “man”?’ he jeered. ‘How fucking original!’
21 Meanwhile, the Lord, who had noticed the humans’ embarrassment over being naked, decided to make them some clothes. With a flick of his wrist he skinned several animals alive, and he fashioned their skins into fur coats for Adam and Eve, complete with matching fur hats, mittens, and boots.
22 The Lord God announced, ‘The humans are now like one of us (for there were several gods, but we’re not allowed to talk about them), knowing good and evil. If they eat from the Tree of Life, which I made for reasons I will keep to myself, they will live for ever!’ 23 and he picked up Adam and Eve and tossed them out of the Garden of Eden.
24 He was so worried that they might find their way back to the Tree of Life that he placed these gnarly-looking super angels called cherubim and a giant flaming sword at the entrance to the garden. The cherubim and the flaming sword remain there to this day, but, oddly, haven’t shown up on any satellite photos.