The Dumbfounding of a Religion [draft]
Since many people seem to be writing gospels nowadays, I thought I might give it a go; seems like fun. 2 I have investigated this matter thoroughly relying mostly on rumour, speculation, and some shit I just made up off the top of my head. 3 Though some of the other writers claim to be eyewitnesses to Jesus, I assure you, most excellent Theophilus, 4 I know better than they do, which is why I contradict them so frequently.
5 During the reign of King Herod of Judea, there was a priest called Zechariah who had a wife named Elizabeth. 6 Despite being righteous in the sight of God, following the commandments and hating the right people, 7 they were childless, because Elizabeth was barren, not to mention that they were both really old.
8 One day when Zechariah was at temple, 9 he won three games of rock-paper-scissors and was given the honour of lighting the ceremonial incense. 10 As the congregation assembled outside, Zechariah was left alone in the temple.
11 Just as he was about to light a stick of incense, an angel appeared right next to him. 12 Startled, he jumped three feet in the air and set fire to the end of his finger.
13 ‘Do not be afraid,’ said the angel.
‘Too late,’ yelped Zechariah. ‘I think I need a fresh pair of underwear.’
‘I’m here to tell you that you’ll give birth to a baby.’
‘Me? But I’m a man.’
With a perturbed look on his face, the angel began to riffle through his notebook. He looked up at Zechariah and asked, ‘Is your name Mary?’
‘Do I look like a Mary?’ huffed Zechariah pointing to his beard.
‘Hmm,’ said the angel flipping the page. ‘Zechariah?’
14 ‘Good. Well, my notes say you will be getting a son, but your wife Elizabeth is going to give birth to him. 15 You have to call him John. 16 He’s not allowed to drink alcohol. 17 He’s going to have a strange penchant for dunking people in water, but they’re going to be queuing up to let him do it.’
18 ‘Wait,’ interjected Zechariah. ‘My wife is all old and dried up! How could she have a child?’
19 The angel replied, ‘I am Gabriel.’
‘That doesn’t really answer my question…’
20 ‘Shut up!’ spat Gabriel. ‘In fact, because you’re such a dick, I’m going to take away your ability to speak until your wife gives birth!’
And the angel disappeared in a flash of light.
21 Meanwhile, the congregation were waiting outside the temple for Zechariah to start the sermon.
‘He’s taking his damned time,’ they said to one another.
22 Just then, Zechariah came out and tried to explain what had happened, but he couldn’t as he’d been stricken dumb. He started furiously gesturing at them, but nobody understood what he meant.
‘He’s trying to tell us something,’ said one man.
‘Two words, five syllables,’ said another.
‘I think he’s telling us to go fuck ourselves!’ cried yet another.
An old woman at the back of the crowd called out, ‘He’s obviously seen an angel who told him he’s going to have a son!’
‘Don’t be stupid!’ yelled back another. ‘He’s saying that we should cook and eat our neighbours’ cats!’
23 Zechariah wandered off in dismay.
24 So, Elizabeth became pregnant, and decided that, since her husband wouldn’t talk to her, she’d lock herself in her room for five months. 25 ‘It’s because I’m getting fat, isn’t it!’ she screamed at Zechariah, slamming the door. ‘You fucking did this to me!’
He objected by violently waving his hands, but to no avail.