The Defiling of Dinah
While they were staying near Shechem, Jacob and Leah’s daughter Dinah started dating Hamor the Hivite’s son Shechem (yup, the kitsch tradition of naming children after where they were born extends that far back). 2 Now Shechem was madly in love with Dinah, and she was rather taken with him too, so they met in secret to make wild passionate whoopee.
3 However, rumours began to circulate about their late night trysts. In fact, the townspeople even wrote a song:
‘Someone’s bumping uglies with Dinah.
Someone’s bumping uglies, I know-oh-oh-oh.
Someone’s bumping uglies with Dinah,
I hear she gives a pretty good blow!’
4 So, before too long, her father Jacob heard that his daughter was no longer a virgin, and he was not too happy. 5 Imagine, his daughter having sex before marriage, and with some uncircumcised foreigner! The thought made him sick to his stomach.
6 Meanwhile, Shechem had proposed to Dinah, and she said she’d love to, but it was the custom of her people to ask for the father’s permission first. 7 So, Shechem asked his father Hamor to accompany them to Jacob’s house.
8 When they arrived, Hamor greeted Jacob and told him, ‘My son Shechem here is deeply in love with your daughter. 9 Could they please have your blessing to get married?’
10 Jacob turned to Dinah sternly, and said, ‘You should have asked my permission before you slept with him, young lady!’
11 ‘But Dad!’ she cried. ‘I love him!’
12 ‘Yeah, but you’re my property!’ scolded Jacob.
13 Hamor and Shechem were perplexed by this, so Hamor decided to try to smooth things over. He said to Jacob, ‘Look, if they get married, you can live here with us, and your sons can marry our daughters. We’d all welcome you with open arms, because you’d be family.’
14 Now, Dinah’s brothers, who had been listening, burst in, and they said, ‘You can’t let Dinah marry some grubby savage! Those people don’t even chop their foreskins off! It’s gross!’
15 ‘Wait a bloody minute!’ objected Hamor. ‘We’re not grubby savages, and while we don’t engage in genital mutilation, if the fact that our penises are intact offends you, we’ll all get circumcised!’
16 Shechem chimed in, ‘Please, Mr ben-Isaac. Your daughter and I are in love. I’d do anything for her.’
17 ‘Well,’ sighed Jacob. ‘If you’ll get rid of those icky foreskins, I suppose so.’
18 Shechem and Hamor were overjoyed, and Shechem ran to get a foreskinectomy straight away.
‘But Dad!’ protested Simeon. ‘You know it’s against our custom for men to try the product before they buy!’
19 ‘Yeah,’ grumbled Jacob, ‘But what man other man would want her now that she’s been defiled?’
‘Excuse me?’ interrupted Dinah. ‘I’m standing right here!’
‘Shhh, sullied-goods, I mean Dinah. Men are talking!’
20 So, Jacob and Hamor agreed the terms, and then Hamor and his son went to the gate of the city to announce the news to Shechemites.
21 ‘We bring you tidings of great joy!’ declared Hamor. ‘My son Shechem is going to be married to Dinah, the daughter of Jacob. Now, I’m sure that we will become fast friends with Jacob and his family.’
The people of the city cheered.
22 ‘However,’ began Hamor. ‘There is one tiny condition.’ He paused trying to find the right words. ‘They have requested that all the men of the city get… circumcised.’
23 The men of Shechem all crossed their legs and inhaled deeply, except for one man who misheard ‘circus fries’ and thought that they sounded pretty tasty.
24 Reluctantly, all the men agreed to get circumcised, and they formed an orderly queue outside the house of Jared the incisor, who was so called because he had only a single sharp tooth in his mouth.
25 Three days later, while all the men were recovering from the agony of having their turtlenecks bitten off, 26 Simeon and Levi sneaked into the city with swords, 27 and bravely massacred all of the unsuspecting men including Hamor and Shechem. 28 They even heroically liberated their valuables and cattle.
29 That evening, as they strolled from the city drenched in blood and giggling amongst themselves, they bumped into their father Jacob.
30 ‘What the fuck have you done?’ yelled Jacob. ‘They were willing to let us live here peacefully, and now you’ve gone and wrecked everything!’
31 But they replied, ‘It serves them right for letting Shechem defile our sister with his filthy sheathed member!’