Darkness That Can Be Felt! [draft]
21 The Lord called Moses back and told him, ‘Stretch out your hand towards the sky so that darkness spreads over Egypt - darkness that can be felt!’
‘What does that even mean?’ exclaimed Moses.
‘You know, like at night, when you’re in your tent, and the fire’s gone out, and you wake up with your head inside the sleeping bag, and you can’t see a thing, and you try to find the drawstring, but it’s outside the bag, so you start to panic? That.’
22 Moses went out to the outskirts of Egypt, and he stretched out his hand towards the sky, and darkness covered all of Egypt for three days. 23 Nobody could see where they were going, and they kept bumping into inanimate objects and apologising to them, because the Egyptians were kind of awkward and British. Meanwhile, in Goshen where the Israelites lived, it was still light.
24 So, Pharaoh summoned Moses to the palace, and he said, ‘You can go and worship the Lord. You can even take your women and children, but not your livestock.’
25 ‘But we need the animals so that we can make sacrifices to the Lord our God!’ protested Moses.
‘If you take the animals, you’ll have no reason to come back!’
26 ‘You’re not playing fair!’
27 Just then, Pharaoh felt his heart growing hard again, and he fumed, 28 ‘Get out of my sight! If I see you here in front of me again with your “let my people go” bullshit, I’ll punch you right in your stupid beardy face!’
29 ‘Fine, be like that!’ spat Moses. ‘You’ll never see me here again!’ And he stormed off in a huff.
Pharaoh’s advisors turned to him and said, ‘Did your heart harden again?’
‘Shut up!’ yelled Pharaoh.