The Covenant of Concussion
When Abram had returned from battling the Empire, the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, ‘Don’t be afraid, Abram. I’m your buddy.’
Abram replied, ‘Why would I be afraid? We’ve spoken before. Wait, what are you planning?’
‘I want to give you a son,’ replied the Lord.
2 Abram was shocked. He said, ‘Look, Lord, I only like you as a friend. Also, I’m pretty sure that men can’t get pregnant.’
3 ‘Don’t be an imbecile!’ cried the Lord. ‘Sarai will bear your child.’
4 ‘Oh. I suppose that’ll save me having to leave all my stuff to my servant Eliezer of Damascus.’
5 Then the Lord led him outside and said, ‘I bet you can’t count all of the stars.’
‘No,’ replied Abram, shaking his head.
‘There are billions upon billions of them. That’s how many children you shall have!’
6 Abram was astonished.
7 The Lord continued, ‘I am the Lord who brought you out of Ur of the Chaldeans to give you this land as my gift to you.’
8 ‘No, I left there of my own accord. You told me to leave Haran. Also, why are you referring to yourself in the third-person? It’s kind of creepy.’
The Lord’s anger waxed hot: ‘Do you want my blessings or not?’
‘Of course,’ nodded Abram.
9 ‘Then shut up and listen!’ hissed the Lord. ‘Bring me a heifer, a goat, and a ram, each three years old. Oh, and a dove and a young pigeon. I have an idea for a layered meat dish that’s gonna be great for Thanksgiving dinner!’
10 Abram was confused, but he did as he was told. 11 And the Lord shoved the dove inside the pigeon, the pigeon inside the goat, the goat inside the ram, and the ram inside the heifer.
‘Tada!’ he said, grinning.
‘That’s great, Lord. But what does this have to do with me getting the land?’
12 Just then, the sun was setting, so the Lord put Abram into a deep sleep by bashing him on the head with the heif-ram-goa-pi-dove. The land was bathed in a thick and dreadful darkness.
13 As Abram slept, the Lord decided to speak to him some more, even though he wouldn’t be able to hear: ‘Your descendants are going to be enslaved by the Egyptians for 400 years. 14 I’ll rescue them eventually by inflicting terrible plagues on the Egyptians, and they’ll come away with loads of the Egyptians stuff. 15 Unfortunately for you, you’ll be long dead by then. 16 Also, I’m kind of pissed off at the Amorites, so when your descendants get back after four generations, I’m going to have them slaughter them.’
17 The sun had disappeared fully over the horizon by this point, and a flaming torch appeared and descended upon the heif-ram-goa-pi-dove setting it on fire. 18 And the Lord re-iterated his agreement to Abram, saying, ‘I will give this land to your descendants, from the river of Egypt to the Euphrates. 19 They will take the land from their rightful owners.’
20 And the Lord disappeared, 21 leaving Abram to sleep off his concussion.