Cook Me up Some Lamb! [draft]
33 After the last plague, the Israelites hurried to collect their things and leave. 34 They were in such a rush that they didn’t even have time to add yeast to their bread dough, which was convenient considering that God hates the stuff.
35 The Egyptians, who were terrified that they would die if the Israelites stayed, were glad to see them go, so much so that when the Israelites went to plunder the gold and silver from their houses, the Egyptians said, 36 ‘Yeah, just take it. We don’t care as long as you leave!’
37 The Israelites travelled from Rameses to Succoth; 38 600 thousand men with their women, children, and livestock. 39 When they arrived, they decided to bake the dough into bread. This is the origin of the Feast of Bread Without Yeast, 40 despite the fact that God had already invented it. 41 This day would be remembered by their descendants and marked with this feast for generations to come.
42 And thus ended the Israelites’ 430 year stay in Egypt.
43 The Lord looked down from Heaven and was disgusted to see that the Israelites were eating their bread all willy-nilly, and he was concerned that they wouldn’t cook the Passover lamb in the precise way he wanted them to. He said to Moses and Aaron, ‘I hope you remember how I want my lamb cooked!’
‘Yes,’ groaned Moses. ‘I remember the long conversation you and Aaron had about it.’
‘Okay, good,’ replied the Lord. ‘I have things to add.’
‘We’ve only just escaped from the Egyptians!’ fumed Moses. ‘Can’t this wait until we’re safe?’
‘You never intended to have my special Passover feast, did you?’ wailed the Lord.
‘I did, and I do,’ reassured Moses. ‘I just don’t think this is the right time to discuss it.’
‘You have time to eat your fucking bread!’ spat the Lord.
‘Fine,’ sighed Moses. ‘What do you want to add?’
‘Well, for a start, I don’t want any of those stinking foreigners to eat it.’
‘There are no foreigners amongst us,’ moaned Moses.
44 ‘I mean in the future. And when you get slaves, they’ll have to be circumcised before they can have any. 45 Again, I know you have no slaves, but this is for future reference. 46 Also, you have to eat it indoors where no outsiders can see. 47 But every Israelite has to eat it.’
‘Well, we generally eat our meals indoors, but we can’t really do that right now!’
48 The Lord ignored him and continued, ‘Also, if a foreign visitor wants to eat it, they and their whole household must be circumcised.’
Moses was perplexed. ‘So, if we invite a foreigner to the Passover feast even once, he and his family have to have their foreskins removed?’
49 ‘Yeah, I don’t like foreskins, and I won’t have them at my dinner table!’ yelled the Lord. ‘Oh, and don’t break its bones.’
‘No, you idiot! The Passover lamb’s! Now, cook me up some lamb!’
‘But…’ stammered Moses. ‘We’re still in danger!’
‘You’ll be in more danger if you don’t give me my barbecue!’ shrieked the Lord.
50 So, that very day, the Israelites cooked some lamb for the Lord, 51 and the Lord smelled the sweet savour.’