Child of ‘Prophecy’ [draft]
13 After the magi had left, Mary and Joseph went to bed (separate beds, for they were not yet married). That night, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. ‘Get up!’ he yelled. ‘Herod is going to kill Jesus!’
‘Why?’ exclaimed Joseph.
‘Well, he figured out that he’s the messiah.’
‘Wait, Jesus is the messiah?’ replied Joseph in astonishment. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘We told the shepherds.’
‘Oh, we sent them away,’ sighed Joseph. ‘They didn’t even bring presents.’
‘Anyway, you need to get up now and go to Egypt.’
14 Joseph awoke in a panic. He ran and woke Mary up, and they fled with the baby to Egypt. 15 This fulfils what was written in Hosea 11:1: ‘When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son,’ even though that was about the exodus and not the messiah.
16 Meanwhile, Herod realised that the magi had outwitted him (by not being aware that he intended to kill Jesus and being told by an angel not to go back to him), and he was fuming. He gave orders to kill all of the boys who were two years old and younger in and around Bethlehem. This event was so horrific that even Herod’s most vehement critics neglected to record it.
17 This fulfils what was said in Jeremiah 31:15: 18 ‘A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more,’ despite the fact that it was referring to the historic Babylonian captivity.
19 After Herod died, the angel came back to Joseph in a dream, and it told him, ‘You can go back home, Herod is dead.’
‘Cool,’ cheered Joseph. ‘We can go back to Bethlehem!’
‘Why?’ asked the angel. ‘You had a life in Nazareth. You only came to Bethlehem for the census.’
‘Yeah, but all of Mary’s relatives live in Nazareth, and I hate them.’
21 ‘But Herod’s son Archelaus is the new king, and he’s just as batshit crazy as his father.’
‘Oh,’ groaned Joseph. ‘I suppose we can go back to Nazareth then…’
22 When Joseph woke up, he took Mary and Jesus back to Nazareth in Galilee, 23 which fulfils the non-existent prophecy that the messiah would be a Nazarene.
So, I suppose the moral of the story is that anything in the Old Testament quoted out of context can be applied to Jesus to make him sound like he fulfils prophecy.