The Buy Bull [draft]
By this time, Moses had been up on the mountain for over a month, and the Israelites were getting restless. They gathered around Aaron and said, ‘It looks like Moses has just pissed off and left us!’
Others said, ‘Yeah, and we haven’t actually seen this Yahweh of yours.’
‘But you saw the cloud of smoke, the pillar of fire, the Red Sea parting, the plagues of Egypt, and the magical sky bread!’ yelled Aaron. ‘What more evidence do you need?’
‘Yeah, but what has he done for us lately?’ called one of the men.
The Israelites all cried, ‘Yeah! That’s right!’
‘What do you want me to do, make you new gods?’ asked Aaron sarcastically.
‘Yes, actually!’ replied one of the women.
The people all shouted, ‘Yeah! Make us new gods!’
2 ‘Fine!’ snapped Aaron. ‘Go collect any gold jewellery you have and bring it to me.’
3 So, the Israelites collected all the gold earrings, necklaces, rings, and other decorative items they had, and they brought them to Aaron who had built a big fire ready to melt them down. 4 He cast the gold in the shape of a calf and used an etching tool to engrave the fine detail.
When he’d finished, he turned to the Israelites and said, ‘Here are your gods!’
One cross-eyed man applauded, but the rest of the Israelites protested, ‘But you only made one!’
Aaron shrugged and replied, ‘I ran out of gold.’
5 Then he set about building an altar in front of the calf, and he announced, ‘Tomorrow, we shall have a festival to our new god. I call him Moo- hamed !’
The Israelites looked at each other awkwardly. ‘Is that Islamophobic?’ they asked.
‘No,’ replied others. ‘Islam hasn’t been invented yet.’
6 The next day, the people sacrificed burnt offerings to the calf, had a nice meal, and then started engaging in debauchery.
7 Meanwhile, back on the mountain, the Lord said to Moses, ‘One of my angels has just told me that your people have built themselves a statue of calf, 8 and they’re fucking worshipping it!’
‘Oh, now that they’ve turned against you, they’re my people?’ retorted Moses.
9 ‘Well, they’re not my bloody people!’ whined the Lord. 10 ‘I should smite the fucking lot of them! My anger is waxing so hot right now!’
11 Moses tried to reason with him. ‘Erm…’ he said, ‘you swore an oath to my ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob that you’d give the Israelites the land of Canaan. You can’t go back on a promise!’
God just grunted.
12 Then Moses thought he might try another tack. ‘I can just hear the other nations now,’ he said, 13 ‘“That Yahweh doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing!” they’ll say. “He brought the Israelites out of Egypt only to kill them himself! What a small-minded capricious flip-flopper he is!”’
14 ‘Okay, okay!’ spat God. ‘But when you get back down the mountain, you’d better give them a damned good telling off, okay?’
15 So, Moses took the two tablets of the covenant law (not to be confused with the Ten Commandments), which God had written using his finger,16 and set off down the mountain.
17 When he reached Joshua, who was waiting for him at the foot of the mountain, Joshua said to him, ‘There’s some kind of riot happening back at the camp!’
18 ‘It’s not a riot!’ corrected Moses. ‘Those bastards are drunk!’
19 As they came towards the camp, Moses saw the Israelites dancing naked around a huge fire, smeared in body paint, and playing the most evil music known to man, dubstep! The pounding off-rhythm beats stirred a fury deep within him. 20 He hurled the tablets to the ground, smashing them, and pushed the golden calf into the fire, melting it. Still in a blind rage, he waited for the gold to cool, meticulously ground it into a powder, added it to a flask of water, and shoved it in the Israelites’ faces screaming, ‘Drink it!’
‘Fuck off,’ replied Israelites, walking away.
21 Then Moses turned to Aaron, and wailed, ‘What the fuck were you thinking?’
22 ‘Me?’ snorted Aaron. ‘I was being sarcastic! 23 I sarcastically suggested that I make them a new god, they said yes, 24 so I sarcastically made it for them, and then even sarcastically named it Moo- hamed !’
Moses cringed and said, ‘Dude, that’s not cool!’
‘It’s fine,’ sighed Aaron. ‘Islam hasn’t been invented yet.’
25 Meanwhile, the Israelites were playing a game of grab arse. 26 Moses went to the entrance of the camp and yelled, ‘Who wants to come on a murderous rampage with me?’
The Levites all leapt up and volunteered.
27 Moses said to them, ‘Yahweh, the God of Israel, says, “Strap on your swords. It’s time to slaughter your friends, family, and neighbours!”’
28 And so, the Levites went from one side of the camp to the other mercilessly killing anybody they saw. Wives and children begged for their lives, but the Levites didn’t care. They lopped off their heads, dismembered them, and ran them through with their swords. By the end of that day, the land was covered in corpses, blood, and assorted body parts. Three thousand people were massacred.
29 Moses looked out on the carnage, and he said, ‘Good job. You’ve done the Lord proud.’
30 The next day, Moses said to the survivors, ‘Yesterday, you were very naughty! But since I’ve calmed down a little, I’m going to be merciful and ask God to forgive you.’ 31 And he went up the mountain to talk to God.
32 ‘Those people,’ tutted Moses. ‘It’s like dealing with children!’
33 ‘You told me not to smite them!’ whinged the Lord. 34 ‘Then you went and smote a bunch of them yourself!’
‘I know, but dubstep! Bloody dubstep of all things!’
35 ‘Look, I’m still going to lead them to the promised land, but I can’t let you have all the fun, so I’m going to wait until just the right moment, and I’m going to give them all the plague.’
Moses replied, ‘I really hope nobody ever writes a book about this…’