Matthew 26:57-75, Mark 14:53-72, Luke 22:54-71
The mob dragged Jesus off to the palace of Caiaphas the high priest, where the teachers of law and the elders were assembled in Sanhedrin ready to pass judgement upon him. Peter, who had followed covertly, sat outside with the servants and guards who were sitting toasting marshmallows over a fire.
Jesus was made to stand in the centre of the court while the high priests brought in witnesses to testify against him. At first, none of the people who forward had grievances that were enough to nail Jesus with.
Then two men testified, ‘He claimed he would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days!’
Caiaphas stood up, glowered at Jesus, and asked, ‘Well? What do you have to say for yourself, young man?’
Jesus remained silent, so Caiaphas demanded, ‘Do I have to remind you that you’re under oath?’
‘No, I’m not!’ objected Jesus. ‘I wasn’t even read my rights! What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?’
Suddenly, a group of cardinals dressed in red robes burst in and declared, ‘Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!’
Everybody eyed each other awkwardly.
‘He said, “What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?” you bloody idiots!’ yelled Caiaphas.
‘Oh,’ replied the cardinals gauchely, ‘sorry.’ And they slunk away.
The high priest turned his attention back to Jesus. ‘Are you or are you not the son of God?’ he bawled.
‘You have said so,’ Jesus replied.
‘No, I haven’t!’
‘Yes, you did. And your friend Nathaniel.’
‘I did not!’ spat Caiaphas. ‘Who’s on trial here?’
‘Not telling,’ retorted Jesus, sticking his tongue out.
The high priest gestured to the guard, who responded by slapping Jesus in the face. ‘What do you say now?’ he asked.
‘If I tell you, you won’t believe me, but what I can tell you is that the Son of Man will sit with his powerful right hand, coming on clouds.’
One of the elders in the gallery called out, ‘Eww!’
Caiaphas was becoming irate. ‘Are you the son of God?’
Jesus sighed and said, ‘Okay, okay, I give up. I am the son of God.’
The high priest ripped off his clothes and yelled, ‘Blasphemy!’
The whole assembly stared at Caiaphas as he stood there naked, and one man even fainted.
‘I don’t think we need to see any more,’ called one of the priests.
‘I’ve seen entirely too much!’ replied another.
The clerk of the court leaned in to Caiaphas and whispered, ‘Do you realise that your dingus is out?’
He looked down at his robe and yelped, ‘Oh, shit! I only meant to tear it a bit…’ He picked up the tablecloth and tied it around himself as a makeshift robe. Then he coughed and said, ‘What is your verdict?’
One of the elders called out, ‘It’s a bit on the small side.’
The room erupted with laughter.
‘I meant about Jesus!’ boomed the high priest.
‘Oh,’ replied the man. ‘I say he’s guilty.’
The rest of the assembly rang out, ‘Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!’ and some of the people rushed out to spit on Jesus.
One of them grabbed him and started to hit him with his own hands, chanting, ‘Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.’
Meanwhile, outside the palace, Peter could hear the ruckus, so he got up to see what was happening. Just then, a servant-girl approached him and said, ‘Hey! Aren’t you that guy who had Jesus heal his… thingamy?’
Peter blushed and turned away, saying, ‘No, you must be thinking of someone else.’
‘You are!’ she cried. ‘Look, everyone, it’s that guy who had a chaffed knob!’
The servants gathered around him laughing.
‘I’m not!’ he protested. ‘Leave me alone!’
‘Chaffed knob! Chaffed knob!’ they all taunted.
‘I am not that guy!’ he screamed.
Immediately, a cock crowed, and Peter remembered Jesus’s words:
‘Taste and see that the Lord is good;
his body’s a cracker, and wine’s his blood.
He’s sweet and nutritious, a source of elation.
Dissolve on your tongue for maximum salvation.’
He realised that this was completely irrelevant to the situation, so he ran away.