The Birds and the Bees
19 Here’s a brief summary of Isaac’s life. Isaac was the son of Abraham, a religious zealot who tried to kill him, an incident for which he went through years of therapy. 20 When he was 40, his father bought him a wife, his first cousin once removed Rebekah. Rebekah’s father was Bethuel, who was Aramean despite not being a descendant of Aram.
21 Isaac and his wife wanted children, but were unable to conceive, so he prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife Rebekah, because it was obviously her fault they were childless. The Lord answered his prayer, saying, ‘Have you tried having sex with her?’
‘Of course!’ replied Isaac. ‘She sucks my dick all the time and makes me play with the oyster that lives in her panties.’
The Lord sighed, ‘I mean intercourse.’
Isaac was confused. ‘How would eating between meals help?’
The Lord sighed again, and then he explained about the birds and the bees to Isaac using sock puppets. When he was finished, Isaac sat with a look of abject horror on his face.
Later that night, his wife Rebekah miraculously became pregnant.
22 Several months later, the babies kicked inside Rebekah for the first time. She started to panic and cried, ‘Why is this happening to me?’
23 So rather than just praying to the omnipresent Lord like Isaac did, she went to visit him in the fort he’d built in the bushes and asked him for advice. The Lord, who was growing tired of these sex ed questions, replied, ‘You’re as bad as your husband. It’s normal for babies to kick. Calm your tits.’
Rebekah started to cry, so the Lord recited this poem:
‘You have two people in your womb
Made out of sperm and eggs.
When you shoot them out your cooch,
Be sure to part your legs.
The younger one, he will excel,
His brother, not so much.
One will be all smooth and lean,
The other hairy and butch.’
Rebekah didn’t much care for the Lord’s poetry, so she left.
24 A few months later, Rebekah went into labour. 25 The first baby to come out looked like a little ginger yeti, so she called him Eyesore, which Isaac changed to Esau. 26 The second baby came out biting Esau’s heel, so Rebekah called him Jacob, which means ‘quit it’. Isaac was 60 years old at this time.
27 As the boys grew, there was a fierce rivalry between the two sons. Esau was always bringing home dead animals, and Jacob was jealous. 28 Isaac, as a barbecue aficionado, loved Esau, because he could cook up the critter he brought home. Rebekah, on the other hand, loved Jacob.
29 One day, when Isaac was cooking stew, Esau came running into the house, his face all bloodied.
30 ‘What happened, my son?’ asked Isaac.
31 ‘Jacob, the bastard, stole my birthmark!’ replied Esau, crying.
32 ‘He what?’
33 ‘I was on the swing, and he just came and ripped my birthmark from my face!’
34 Just then, Jacob entered wearing Esau’s birthmark, giggling to himself. So, Esau despised his birthmark.